This morning, as I was about to leave for work, my 3-year-old snatched a tangerine from the table and took it to my partner. I was busy gathering the last of my belongings when I overheard him say, “Just ask your mom.” If I’d been in the kitchen, that might have made sense, but I was nowhere near it—fully dressed and ready to head out the door.
“Just ask your mom.” If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard a man say that throughout my life, I would own a lavish island resort called “I DON’T CARE.”
During my childhood, I can’t recall a single moment when my dad made a decision. I was always directed to my mom. If she wasn’t around, I’d have to call her or wait until she got home. If it was “urgent” (such as, “Dad, can I ride my bike to my friend’s house?”), he would reluctantly give permission but insisted I check with her as soon as I could.
My mom was the one orchestrating everything: managing our schedules, doctor appointments, sports events, and family activities. She juggled everything from folding laundry and planning meals to ensuring we had the right clothes and healthy food. All while holding down a full-time job!
If she felt the same frustration I do when I hear my partner tell our kids to “just ask your mom,” she certainly hid it well. She made it look effortless—something many moms do. But I’m not one of those.
Why do dads seem to default to the “just ask your mom” response?
What’s behind it? Should we feel flattered or insulted? Are they conditioned to act this way? I’ve thought of a few possible reasons:
- Your time feels less valuable than mine.
Let’s revisit the tangerine situation. I was rushing out the door for work while my partner was hurriedly getting dressed after oversleeping. Perhaps he didn’t even think about why he said it; maybe it was just a knee-jerk reaction. But still, why should I be the one to handle it when I’m trying to be on time for something important? - I have inadvertently enabled this behavior.
Is there a mental checklist he follows that always leads to “just ask your mom”? Have I taken over so many responsibilities that he has stopped thinking critically when the kids ask him something? There’s no degree required here; he could easily jump in and help out. - Am I a terrifying monster?
After hearing my partner tell the kids to “just ask mom” multiple times in a short span, I start to wonder if maybe I’m some fearsome creature only he can see. If I were a threat, I’d understand why he’d avoid provoking me, but let’s face it—toddlers are the last ones to shy away from attention. - Do you think this empowers me?
When I mentioned this to a friend, she suggested it shows I truly hold all the power. What it really reveals is that I bear the brunt of the responsibility at home. Having one person manage 99% of the household duties isn’t empowerment; it’s an imbalance. I appreciate the trust, but I need it to change.
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In summary, the phrase “just ask your mom” often reflects deeper issues in family dynamics and parenting roles. Recognizing and addressing these can lead to a more balanced partnership.