It often surfaces when my preteen reacts dramatically over a missing favorite shirt. It surfaces when my partner storms in after a frustrating day, frowning in silence. It manifests when my mother calls to remind me that I haven’t been in touch lately. It even arises when a coworker commends my efforts or a friend offers praise.
In these moments, I feel a sense of numbness. I struggle to respond or grasp what is anticipated from me. Emotions flicker just beyond my awareness, only to vanish before I can truly acknowledge them—like erasing words on a whiteboard before reading them.
If the interaction is negative, that numbness often transforms into anger or shame as I grapple with feelings of rejection. I find myself ruminating over what I could have done wrong. If I can’t identify a specific misstep, I’m left with a haunting sense of being inherently flawed, unworthy of love, causing me to withdraw. Conversely, when faced with kindness, I feel deeply uncomfortable. I can’t fathom why anyone would see me as special or commendable. This perception makes me feel like an imposter, fearing that others will uncover the truth about me. I become anxious, feeling compelled to prove my worthiness of their praise.
For years, I’ve masked my discomfort and confusion, unaware of why emotional exchanges left me feeling empty, anxious, and disconnected. Forming genuine connections, even with loved ones, has proven challenging for me.
Then, during a research session for an article, I stumbled upon the term childhood emotional neglect (CEN). Defined by clinical psychologist Sarah Lang, CEN occurs when a parent fails to adequately respond to their child’s emotional needs. This neglect can lead children to question the validity of their feelings, fostering self-doubt and a negative self-image.
When you grow up feeling that your emotions aren’t acknowledged, it’s easy to believe you lack intrinsic worth. Emotions become “bad” in an environment that dismisses or ignores them.
If this concept is new to you, you’re not alone. In a discussion with a psychology expert, Lang stated, “Emotional neglect often goes unnoticed because it is frequently grouped with emotional abuse and physical neglect. It’s challenging to view it as a distinct experience with unique consequences.”
The insidious nature of CEN is that it is not overtly visible. Unlike a child’s bruised knee or the sound of their rumbling stomach, emotional neglect is often unrecognized until its effects emerge years later. As a child, you may not even realize it’s happening; as an adult, pinpointing specific memories can be elusive since it’s often a pervasive aspect of your upbringing.
Upon reviewing the symptoms associated with CEN, I saw so much of myself reflected back. Those impacted by this form of neglect frequently numb their feelings, experience sensations of emptiness, and often exhibit perfectionist tendencies. Out of 22 symptoms listed, I identified with all but two.
I struggled to reconcile the idea that my parents may have unintentionally abandoned me emotionally. My childhood seemed privileged on the surface. We had a comfortable home, nutritious meals, and enjoyed vacations. I attended good schools, participated in sports, and socialized with friends. From the outside, my family appeared content and successful.
However, the reality was more complex. My father spent significant time away for work and was often strict and fatigued when home. I felt the pressure to be the “perfect” daughter by excelling academically and caring for my younger sibling. My mother, who was a stay-at-home parent, battled depression that often kept her bedridden. My emotional needs were seldom acknowledged; no one inquired about my feelings or experiences. When visiting friends, I found it odd when their parents showed interest in our day.
The dynamics of my upbringing align with two of the five parenting styles that frequently contribute to emotional neglect: authoritarian and absent. The other three include permissive, narcissistic, and perfectionist approaches.
After examining the characteristics of childhood emotional neglect, I recognized that I had indeed experienced it. The realization was painful—no child wishes to discover that their parents have unintentionally caused them harm—but it also brought relief. I finally had a framework to understand the persistent emptiness I felt. The silver lining is that those affected by CEN can learn to rebuild their sense of self-worth. Acknowledging one’s emotional needs and believing they deserve to be met are crucial steps in this healing process.
Understanding my emotional challenges gives me hope, not just for myself, but also for my children. Recognizing what I lacked as a child drives me to ensure my kids receive the emotional support they need. This is a daunting task. Their emotions can be intense, and my instinct is often to retreat from the chaos. Nevertheless, I strive to remain present with them. I know they deserve love and empathy, and despite my feelings of overwhelm, I must validate their experiences.
While this may seem straightforward for some parents, it’s a real struggle for me—one I’m determined to face to ensure my children never doubt their self-worth.
If you’re exploring more about family and emotional well-being, check out this informative piece on intrauterine insemination. For a comprehensive guide on home insemination, refer to Cryobaby’s artificial insemination kit, which provides valuable insights.
Summary
Childhood emotional neglect is an often overlooked experience that can leave lasting impacts on individuals, leading to feelings of numbness, self-doubt, and difficulty in forming connections. Recognizing and addressing these emotional needs is essential for healing and fostering healthy relationships with oneself and others.