I came down the stairs one morning to find a pair of socks lying crumpled in front of the couch. It’s crucial to mention they were crumpled because they didn’t contain feet. Seriously, unless socks have actual feet in them, they shouldn’t be left in front of my couch! Beside the couch was a side table cluttered with the remnants of a chalupa and a giant Coke. Mild sauce smeared across the linen armrest, and ESPN blared from the television. My frustration began to boil.
Oh, no, he didn’t.
There was a trail of shredded lettuce and cheese bits leading straight to the kitchen, which I followed to a Taco Bell bag sitting just a foot away from the trash can. That bag was the last straw. I tossed it into the garbage and braced myself for a confrontation. No matter how long his night shift was, my husband was about to face the consequences of his actions.
I heard the toilet flush and my husband emerged looking weary.
“Sorry, babe. My shift ran really late. I was just about to clean that up,” he said.
I paused, taking in his exhausted appearance. He was still in his scrubs.
“Don’t worry about it,” I replied. “Go get some rest.”
He looked like he could use some kindness, and I believed him. He knows better… now.
Every couple reaches a pivotal moment when they decide whether to stay together or truly merge their lives. When my husband and I made the leap into living together ten years ago, I quickly discovered I was married to a man who was used to having his mother do everything for him.
At first, I thought it was a matter of him not respecting me. Every sock on the floor and unwashed dish felt like a personal jab. Who comes home from work, makes a PB&J, and leaves the kitchen in chaos?
A selfish person, that’s who.
He would toss his clothes next to the laundry basket, and I would lose it over the fact that the basket was literally right there! He’d make coffee and leave the counter a mess, making my forehead throb with frustration. Our relationship seemed to be deteriorating, slowly suffocated by these small annoyances.
Then my mother-in-law came to visit.
Wow, talk about an eye-opener! I watched my husband throw his socks on the floor, and then I saw his mom pick them up. After dinner, she would take his plate, clean it, and put the leftovers away. When he made his PB&J, she swooped in to tidy up before he even had a chance to sit down.
As I witnessed her catering to her grown son, it hit me: My husband was a product of his upbringing. For 18 years, he had been conditioned to be dependent on someone else for his domestic needs. Despite his actions feeling disrespectful, he likely had no idea that I felt that way. It was all about learned behavior.
I knew I had to address this issue. When the weekend wrapped up, I sent my mother-in-law off and turned to my husband. He sat down next to me, and the words just poured out.
“I used to wonder why you left your dishes out and your clothes all over the floor. It felt like I was expected to be your maid. But watching your mom clean up after you made me realize where that expectation came from. She may have done all that for you, but I’m not her. I love you dearly, but I will not be your maid service. I am not your mom.”
For a moment, there was silence.
“Do you get what I’m saying?” I asked.
He smiled sheepishly.
“Is this about that PB&J I left out last week?”
I was caught off guard and couldn’t help but laugh at his joke. We both chuckled, recognizing that we weren’t great at fighting. It’s pretty funny to tell a grown man you won’t wipe his butt forever, and he can’t argue because he knows it’s true.
But I walked away wondering if my message truly landed or if this would be an ongoing battle in our marriage. The truth is, it’s been a mix of both. Neither of us is perfect; we both contribute some chaos to our household. However, just the other day, our son opened a granola bar and left the wrapper on the floor, and my husband stepped in.
“Son, pick that up. Your mother is not a maid service.”
That’s progress.
We’re going to be just fine.
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In summary, communication is key in any relationship, especially when it comes to household responsibilities. Understanding each other’s backgrounds can lead to a healthier partnership and help establish new norms.