Parenting can be a minefield, especially when it comes to how we communicate with our children. A recent study revealed that praising kids for being “smart” may actually lead them to cheat more often. So, what’s next? I might just resort to communicating with my kids using only grunts because apparently, every word is now a potential pitfall.
The research, titled “Praising Young Children for Being Smart Promotes Cheating,” was published in the journal Psychological Science. In this study, 300 preschoolers in China participated in a guessing game. Some were praised for their intelligence, while others received recognition for their efforts, and some were given no praise at all. The results showed that the children who were labeled as “smart” were more likely to cheat when left unsupervised compared to their peers in the other groups.
This study builds on the work of Carol Dweck from Stanford University, who has spent decades examining the difference between children with a “growth mindset” (those who believe intelligence can be developed) and those who are told they are simply “smart.” It turns out that kids labeled as smart may feel an increased pressure to always succeed; failing would challenge their identity. While I don’t dismiss the findings as “junk science,” they certainly make my head spin. Soon, when my kids solve a math problem correctly, I might just stare blankly and say, “You added.”
As parents, we’re often left feeling like we’re tiptoeing through a negotiation with our toddlers—carefully choosing our words under immense pressure. There’s no shortage of advice on how to effectively praise our children. An article in Parents Magazine titled “How To Praise Your Kids” offers ten helpful tips, including: avoid excessive praise, focus on effort, use positive body language, speak truthfully, and steer clear of sarcasm. While these guidelines make sense, they can sometimes feel overly clinical.
For example, when my child excitedly shows me a drawing, I might respond with something like: “Wow, you created a drawing! I see you used a lot of yellow. It’s interesting how you made the sun have a face, even though suns don’t actually have faces. Keep practicing, and you’ll get even better.” Honestly, if an adult spoke to me this way, I’d think they were quite pretentious. Imagine finishing a project at work only to receive such a sterile compliment from your boss—you’d likely feel like you’re on the chopping block.
It’s clear that praise isn’t inherently bad; however, it shouldn’t be so complicated that we hesitate to acknowledge our children’s achievements. Our kids need to know that we think the world of them, and as long as our compliments are balanced with sincerity and encouragement, that shouldn’t be a problem.
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In summary, as we navigate the complexities of parenting, it’s crucial to balance praise with authenticity. While research suggests that calling our kids “smart” can lead to negative behaviors, we shouldn’t shy away from expressing our pride in their efforts. Finding the right approach may be challenging, but it’s essential for their growth and self-esteem.