I dread the question, “What do you do for a living?” It fills me with an intense aversion. Even before it’s asked, I can feel its approach during conversations, and despite my attempts to steer clear of it, there’s no avoiding it.
My answer has remained unchanged for the past two and a half years: “I’m a stay-at-home parent.” Each time, I receive compliments and admiration as if I’ve made some grand sacrifice. But I don’t see myself as anyone’s hero.
While people tell me how fortunate I am to have this opportunity, I’m often overwhelmed by guilt and sadness. I recognize that these kind strangers are speaking from a place of goodwill, yet I feel compelled to maintain a facade. I politely respond, “Yes, I’m very lucky indeed.”
They can’t possibly understand the whirlwind of emotions this question stirs within me. They don’t know how much I yearn for the career I once held, or how I miss having a distinct identity outside of parenting. They’re unaware of the ache I feel when I see other women thriving professionally and the jealousy that arises within me. They simply don’t know.
When I was in the workforce and faced with the same question, I was often met with pity, as if the expectation was for me to want to be home with my child instead. After giving birth, I returned to work willingly after my maternity leave. Surprisingly, the transition back to work felt seamless. I wasn’t burdened by the guilt everyone warned me about; instead, I felt guilty for not feeling guilty.
I relished the opportunity to engage in tasks beyond those related to child-rearing. My child was in a nurturing environment, and my job provided me with a sense of worth and respect. It was a harmonious balance. I love my family dearly, but I also appreciate moments where my thoughts and actions aren’t solely focused on them. My workplace encouraged a healthy work-life balance, which allowed me to enjoy both worlds without feeling like I was missing out.
Looking back, I realize that the freedom to work was a privilege I should have cherished more. Financially, it was a wash, but as long as we weren’t in the red, I could remain in the workforce. However, after deciding to have more children, I felt the pressure to assume the role of a stay-at-home parent.
While I adore my kids and treasure the time we share, I can’t shake the feeling of emptiness. My position as a stay-at-home parent wasn’t a choice but rather a sacrifice—one brought on by the exorbitant cost of childcare.
I’m not alone in feeling the financial strain associated with childcare. A recent report titled “Early Learning in the United States” from the Center for American Progress reveals that “The high cost of child care leaves too many families without options. The average cost of center-based care in the United States consumes nearly 30% of the median family income.”
Now, with three little ones, the cost of daycare has rendered my dream career nearly unattainable. The realization of how much it would cost for me to work still astonishes me. How can anyone be unable to afford to work?
I worry that by the time my children grow up, I may struggle to reclaim my career. I’m often concerned about the long-term effects of the employment gap I’ve incurred while taking on arguably the most demanding yet significant job there is. According to Fortune, “While the figures vary widely from state to state, the average American woman taking a 5-year break from her career starting at age 26 will lose out on $467,000 in income, wage growth, and retirement assets and benefits over her lifetime. An average American man of the same age will lose $596,000.” Having lost my professional network and the reputation I worked hard to build, I fear that re-entering the workforce will be a challenge.
My husband and I were fully aware of my changing role due to our children. We wouldn’t change our decisions for anything, including our choice to start a family, but I’m still surprised by my strong desire to return to work. This longing brings with it a hefty amount of guilt.
I feel guilty for grappling with this internal conflict. I feel guilty for not being one of those women who has always dreamed of being a stay-at-home parent. I feel guilty for those who would give anything to be in my position but can’t due to their circumstances. I feel guilty for my student loan debt for a degree that’s lying dormant. I feel guilty for wanting more when I have so much already. Am I greedy? Shouldn’t my current life be enough? Why can’t I be satisfied and grateful when I’m so fortunate?
Recognizing how fleeting this time is, I’m willing to pause my professional aspirations for now. I know that one day, I will look back on this time with pride, and I will always value the sacrifices I make for my children.
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Summary:
Transitioning from a corporate career to being a stay-at-home parent can evoke mixed feelings of guilt and longing. While the role is filled with love and cherished moments, it often comes with a sense of loss regarding professional identity and financial independence. Many parents face the harsh reality of daycare costs, which can make returning to work feel impossible. Balancing the joys of parenting with the desire for a fulfilling career can lead to internal conflicts. Ultimately, every parent must navigate their unique journey, acknowledging the sacrifices made for their children while holding onto dreams for the future.