Being a mother has always been my dream—nurturing a child, guiding them, and instilling a love for life. I longed to meet their basic needs and address the intricacies of parenting, such as discipline and imparting values. Sadly, I often feel that my son has had to bear the brunt of my struggles.
Living with type 2 bipolar disorder has turned the journey of motherhood into a daunting challenge. My struggles not only affect me but also my son, filling me with overwhelming guilt. As mental health expert Dr. Sarah Mitchell notes, “Depression can be insidious. It drains the motivation and energy needed for effective parenting, distorting your perspective on reality.”
1. Constant Fatigue
There are days when all I want to do is crawl into bed and shut out the world. The thought of engaging with my family feels Herculean. I remember a day out with my son and mother when my son responded to my desire to nap with a knowing glance. He had learned that I often retreated to bed, using sleep as an escape from daily life.
2. Diminished Motivation
The urge to participate in activities often disappears. Even when I manage to stay awake, I find myself zoning out in front of the TV or absorbed in a mobile game, neglecting everything else. Tasks like cooking, cleaning, or simply engaging with my family become monumental hurdles. On days when my husband can’t help out, my son often resorts to quick snacks like cereal or chips, as I struggle to prepare meals.
3. Good Intentions, Poor Follow-Through
As a mom, staying updated on my child’s academic performance should be a priority, but I find myself crossing my fingers and hoping for the best. I yearn to plan outings or family activities, but when the waves of depression hit, I retreat again. This has led to my son often entertaining himself, resulting in a reliance on video games rather than exploring other interests. I’ve seen his curiosity wane over the years, and I worry about the long-term effects of my emotional absence.
4. Irritability
My husband and son often bear the brunt of my unpredictable irritability. Minor annoyances can set me off, and my recovery from these emotional outbursts can be slow. I often isolate myself, retreating to my room or bed, leaving both my son and husband feeling neglected and confused.
I constantly worry about how my mental health might impact my son’s development. Research indicates that a mother’s mental health can significantly affect her child’s emotional and cognitive growth. My son faces challenges, and I can’t help but wonder how my struggles have contributed to his difficulties. I strive to be the mother he needs, managing my bipolar disorder through therapy and medication, yet I know there is no cure. With only a few years left before my son graduates high school, I fear he will look back and wish for a different experience with a mentally stable mom. All I can do is make the most of the time we have left.
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Summary
In conclusion, my experience with bipolar disorder has profoundly impacted my parenting, affecting my energy levels, motivation, intentions, and emotional availability. Despite these challenges, I continue to work on being a better mother while managing my mental health.