Once or twice daily, I find myself confronted by fleeting images of extreme violence directed at my baby. These visions are momentary—just a flicker in my peripheral vision, lasting only a fraction of a second. Sometimes, I’m the one inflicting this imagined harm; other times, it’s an external force. My partner, Jake, reassures me that it’s just the overwhelming vulnerability of our little one playing tricks on my mind. Still, I can’t help but feel trapped—not just by her constant demands but also by the profound, unthinking love I have for her. Thankfully, being an older mother has its perks; I don’t spiral into panic. I’ve set a limit on these troubling thoughts: two, maybe three a day. If I exceed that, it’s time to chat with the doctor about some happy pills.
One particularly exhausting night, when our first child was just six weeks old, she wouldn’t stop crying. I tried everything—swaddling, rocking, nursing, singing, and dancing. I even changed her diaper, although it was perfectly dry. No matter what I did, the cries persisted. I was utterly drained—SO. INCREDIBLY. TIRED. Just when I thought she was calming down, I would lay down with her, only to be jolted awake by her piercing wails.
In that moment of fatigue, I felt something snap inside me, like a crack forming in glass. For a split second, every maternal instinct I had vanished, and I could vividly imagine tossing her out the window. I felt the momentum in my arms, the weight of my sweet baby leaving my grasp, and the sound of her cries fading away as she fell. It was a fleeting thought, a terrifying glimpse into my psyche, and it rattled me to my core. What was wrong with me? Was I experiencing postpartum psychosis? Was I an unfit mother?
Overwhelmed, I burst into tears and called my mom. I didn’t dare share my shocking thought; I felt too ashamed. Instead, I recounted how the baby wouldn’t stop crying and tried to convey my exhaustion, hoping to mask my feelings of inadequacy. My mother listened patiently and then said something that shocked me: “Oh, Jenna. I remember when your brother wouldn’t stop crying one night. My only instinct was to toss him out the window.”
I gasped, laughed, and cried all at once, a mix of emotions that only a sleep-deprived parent can understand. My mom, the embodiment of nurturing, had experienced a similar moment—a “Terrible Mothering Thought.” Suddenly, I realized I wasn’t alone; this was normal. She encouraged me to set the baby down and take a breather, to step outside if needed, so I could regain my sanity.
Her understanding was a lifeline. I had read so much about the importance of nurturing and attachment, about how a good mother should instinctively know what her baby needs. Yet, I never considered that sometimes, despite our best efforts, babies cry for no apparent reason. It’s okay to take a break. Receiving that validation from my caring mother was the most precious gift I could have received.
As time has gone on, I’ve learned that “Terrible Mothering Thoughts” can arise more frequently than I anticipated. I was raised without physical punishment, yet I have felt the urge to discipline my child in moments of frustration. Kids can push boundaries, and their cries can test your patience. It’s essential to remember that having a thought doesn’t equate to acting on it. I knew I’d never actually throw my baby out the window or harm my child, but those urges can emerge during particularly challenging moments. I’ve learned to accept these thoughts without judgment and let them pass.
If you’ve ever worried about similar thoughts, you’re not alone. While many moms don’t openly discuss it, the reality is that these feelings are quite common. Extreme thoughts that lead to genuine fear or a sense of danger to your child should definitely be addressed with a professional. However, occasional “Terrible Mothering Thoughts” are expected and entirely normal. Sharing them, even when it feels uncomfortable, can provide comfort and connection with others who’ve experienced the same.
For more insights on parenting, you might enjoy this other blog post on Cervical Insemination that discusses the emotional rollercoaster of motherhood. And if you’re considering at-home insemination, check out Make a Mom for their reliable kits. For additional resources on pregnancy and home insemination, visit ASRM.
In summary, it’s crucial to acknowledge that motherhood comes with a mix of emotions and challenges. Whether you’re grappling with overwhelming thoughts or simply feeling exhausted, remember that you’re not alone. It’s perfectly okay to take a step back and breathe.
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