The morning began like any other. I woke up before my partner and kids, squeezed in a quick workout, and took a shower. With the best intentions, I aimed to be calm and patient. I planned to go with the flow. I would not lose my temper.
I prepared the kids’ lunches, fed the pets, and reminded everyone to brush their teeth and tidy up the bathroom. I even dealt with a mess from the dogs. Deep breaths. I will remain composed.
While checking my email and social media, I encountered a blend of humblebrags, alarming news that made the world seem precarious, and some unkind comments about my latest post. Let it go, let it go. More deep breaths.
As I unloaded the dishwasher, I noticed chipped plates and a group of ants crawling behind the coffee maker due to a yogurt cup my child forgot to throw away. Why can’t anyone in this household clean up after themselves? Why do I have to do everything? Why are there so many ants?
“Can you please brush your teeth and clean the bathroom counter?” I asked my kids once more. My partner reminded me he had a work commitment and wouldn’t be home for the evening chaos of homework, dinner, and bedtime. Deep breaths again.
I heard my kids bickering over the last Eggo waffle. I accidentally stepped on a Lego left on the floor from the night before and had to leap over a pile of dirty socks in the kitchen.
“Brush your teeth,” I instructed. “Wipe down the kitchen counter.”
The kids continued to scream over that waffle. The phone rang, the dogs barked — no, howled — and I couldn’t think straight. My heart raced, and anxiety surged through me. Thoughts of our mounting credit card bill, a broken tail light on the car, and a tense family discussion filled my mind. The clutter — so much clutter — compounded worries about finances, vacation plans, and my children’s school struggles until…
“AGH! CAN YOU TWO JUST STOP ARGUING FOR ONE MINUTE AND BRUSH YOUR FREAKING TEETH! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO ASK YOU? DO YOU EVER LISTEN?! WHY DOESN’T ANYONE LISTEN TO ME?! GO NOW!”
My kids stared in shock as I stormed into the bathroom, slamming the door. I felt a mixture of relief and regret, a familiar feeling after losing my temper with them.
What is it about motherhood that makes me feel so tense and furious? I generally consider myself easygoing. Or at least I try to be. But despite my best efforts, I transform from calm and rational mom to a furious whirlwind in seconds.
Sometimes, it’s the constant messiness of life with small children that unsettles me. Nothing is ever in its rightful place. Everything is perpetually dirty. There are fingerprints and paint smudges on nearly every wall. I’ve cleaned more messes than anyone should have to in a lifetime.
At other times, anxiety triggers my anger. Financial and work stressors, worrying about insignificant issues like being late or why a friend hasn’t responded, mixed with real concerns like accidents and societal issues, can overwhelm me.
Often, it’s the sheer chaos and unpredictability of motherhood that I find challenging. At times, everything feels utterly out of control, and it becomes too much.
I certainly don’t want to behave this way. Nobody does. I’ve implemented strategies to cope. I see a therapist, take medication for my anxiety, and remind myself to breathe and let go. I practice self-care and exercise regularly. Sometimes these methods help, and sometimes they don’t.
I enjoy a positive relationship with my kids, but I still worry about how these outbursts (however infrequent) affect them. Will these moments define their childhood? I hope not.
I have a friend who recalls his mother’s frequent cupboard slamming during his upbringing. While his mom is undoubtedly a good parent, it’s those moments that stand out in his memory. I don’t want my children to remember yelling or frustration. I want them to recall laughter, love, and joyful moments.
So how do I — how do we, because I know I’m not alone in feeling this way — break the cycle of tension, anger, and guilt?
While I’m no expert, the first step is recognizing the roots of our anger and stress. For many, this rage stems from anxiety or depression. Sometimes, it’s just common stress that spirals out of control. The relentless societal expectations placed on parents — especially mothers — can also contribute, creating an exhausting cycle. We’re all flawed humans who stumble and sometimes lose our cool.
Once we grasp the sources of our feelings, we can seek the necessary support. For me, therapy and medication have been beneficial. Yet, I still have slip-ups. I still yell. It’s a work in progress, and I’m continually learning.
I’m striving to embrace the chaos instead of trying to control everything. I’m also working to identify my triggers — clutter, work-related stress, insecurities — so I can address those challenges without directing my frustration at my children over Legos scattered on the floor. It requires grace and understanding, both with my kids and myself.
I’m not sure why motherhood sometimes fills me with tension and anger, but I’m actively making changes. Because as overwhelming as anxiety and frustration can be, the love — the immeasurable and unconditional love for my children — is even greater. That’s the memory I want them to cherish.
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Summary
Motherhood can often trigger feelings of anger and tension due to the chaos of daily life, financial worries, and societal pressures. While the author strives to maintain a calm demeanor, the unpredictability of parenting can lead to moments of frustration. Understanding the sources of these feelings and seeking support are essential steps toward managing emotions and fostering a loving environment for children.