Recently, my daughter remarked, “Mom, it seems like Max is your favorite.” I felt a twinge of guilt, but truthfully, she wasn’t entirely off base. What she didn’t notice—her attention glued to her phone—was how he sprang into action to help me carry in a few bags of groceries. No prompting was needed; he simply jumped up to assist while she remained in the car, fixated on her game rather than caring if I was straining myself.
The very next day, her older brother chimed in with, “Mom, Lily gets a lot more clothes and stuff than Max and I do. You spoil her.” What he fails to realize is that his sister pitches in by cleaning the bathrooms (thanks to his less-than-aimed aim) every other day, walking the neighborhood dogs, and even giving me foot massages so she can fund her shopping habits—she’s quite the fashionista, just like me. If only he’d notice her efforts instead of hiding away in his room, detached from family life.
To our kids, it must appear that one child holds a special place in our hearts, and I’m inclined to admit something that might not be popular: they’re not wrong. The “favorite” can shift frequently—sometimes even within the hour.
Each of my three children has claimed the title of “favorite” at some point. I don’t announce it. I won’t walk in and declare, “Hey, oldest one, you’re my favorite today, so enjoy your ice cream while I put your siblings to work.” It’s more subtle than that.
Of course, I love them all equally, but there are moments when I connect more deeply with one child or find myself frustrated with another who won’t stop coming in to tattle on their siblings after I’ve sent them outside to play.
There are phases when a child is irresistibly adorable, and you just want to squeeze them while they peacefully sleep, while at the same time, the toddler is throwing tantrums over the silliest things. We can’t help how we feel, right?
We’ve all experienced this, whether we admit it or not. We may not act on our preferences (most of the time), but we’re aware of our feelings, and that’s perfectly normal. Different stages in our children’s lives evoke different responses in us. Sometimes they test our limits, other times they impart valuable lessons, and occasionally, there’s that one child who just drives us up the wall.
At this very moment, my oldest is preparing nachos for me—my ultimate weakness. I’d love to say it’s out of pure kindness, but I know he’s angling for a biking trip with his friends instead of spending time at the beach with the family. Nachos are my go-to bribe, and because he’s waiting on me while my daughter claims she’s too tired to help, he’s my favorite for now. I recognize the manipulation, but honestly, I couldn’t care less, because nachos.
Let them think I have favorites; I know it all balances out eventually. Tomorrow, my son might annoy me with his endless chatter, while my daughter might surprise me by cleaning her room without being asked. The dynamics are ever-changing.
Plus, since I often take on the role of the disciplinarian, I’m fully aware that their dad is likely their favorite parent. Any guilt I might feel has faded away.
And I’m perfectly fine with that, as long as my wonderful kids keep making me delicious food, helping with groceries, and giving foot rubs.
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In summary, it’s natural for parents to feel a stronger connection to one child at different times. Parenting is a rollercoaster of emotions, and it’s okay to embrace the ups and downs of favoritism as we navigate through family life.