“Kids! Stop tossing that ball! You’re going to break the window!” my father exclaims, panic evident in his voice as he addresses my children.
“It’s fine, Dad,” I reassure him, yet again. “It’s soft; the windows are safe.” I strive to keep my tone gentle, but I can’t help the slight irritation creeping into my voice. I know I’ll have to repeat this reassurance at least a dozen more times to my dad, while also reminding my kids not to do things that will upset their grandpa.
“He struggles with understanding risk,” I remind them, “so everything feels threatening.” I’ve attempted to explain this countless times, but their young minds just can’t grasp it. Honestly, it’s hard for me to fully comprehend it as well.
Last year, my father received an Alzheimer’s diagnosis. While it wasn’t entirely unexpected—he had been experiencing dementia for some time—the news hit hard.
When most people think of Alzheimer’s, they often focus on memory loss. Sure, it’s disheartening when my dad doesn’t recognize my husband, or when I have to answer the same question multiple times in a span of minutes. But what truly takes my breath away isn’t the memory issues or the repeated inquiries. The hardest part is something that doesn’t directly involve me.
The most painful reality is that my children (and my nieces and nephews) are growing up without truly knowing their grandpa.
They won’t remember him as the strong, independent figure he once was—a man who built his own company into an international success. They won’t hear the uproarious laughter he shared with his siblings, nor will they witness him swimming, biking, or taking brisk walks with his little dog, Benny. They won’t see the joy in his eyes when he spoke about his children, a light that used to radiate from him.
Instead, they will know the version of him that Alzheimer’s has shaped. They’ll encounter a man who feels fear and frustration at their youthful exuberance, who is dependent and needy. They will see a man who laughs far less than he used to.
Yet, not everything is bleak. They will also witness a man who remains deeply in love with his wife, who finds humor in inappropriate jokes, and who can become emotional while watching talk shows that remind him of his own parents.
My kids will also gain valuable lessons. They will learn about patience and the importance of caring for others. They might even discover how to stay calm in challenging situations.
My husband often reminds me that our children will not only remember my dad through their personal experiences but also through my recollections of him. “You can share who their grandpa was by telling them stories,” he said to me one evening. And he’s right.
Perhaps, once the initial shock wears off, I’ll find a way to reconcile the father I knew with the man Alzheimer’s has transformed him into. It’s my duty—and my honor—to share the essence of the man my dad once was with my children. In this way, they will come to know him, and we can all hold onto the memories of who he truly is.
Alzheimer’s has often been described as the “long goodbye,” which feels like the perfect phrase to capture its essence. My dad is physically present, yet he is not the same. He’s not the dad I cherished for most of my life nor the grandparent I hoped he would be for my kids in their formative years.
Each day, every interaction feels like a farewell. A farewell to who he was, to the man he could have remained, and to the dreams he and my mom held for their retirement years.
Farewell. But not just yet.
Because we’re still holding on.
For more insights on navigating challenges like this, you can check out this post on home insemination kits. Also, if you’re interested in learning about family planning, Make A Mom is a great resource. Additionally, the Cleveland Clinic offers valuable information on IVF and fertility preservation.
Summary
The article explores the emotional challenges faced by a woman as her father battles Alzheimer’s disease. It highlights the impact of the condition on family dynamics and the painful reality that children grow up without truly knowing their grandparent. The author reflects on the importance of sharing memories of the past while coming to terms with the changes Alzheimer’s brings.