One of the most valuable pieces of advice I received as a new mom came from a coworker shortly after I returned from maternity leave with my twins. “You’ll always have to let something go,” she told me. “You can’t give your all to family, friends, work, or anything else. Instead, find a way to be okay with giving, say, 75% to each.”
In essence, the pursuit of “having it all” is a futile endeavor. Despite our best efforts, something will inevitably be overlooked or neglected. In my case, it was my own health.
The concept of “having it all” varies widely among individuals, making it even more elusive. My interpretation aligned with traditional expectations that many women have faced for years. It involves maintaining a polished appearance, a pristine home, and well-mannered children, all while excelling in a flourishing career.
After my twins arrived, I attempted to revert to my pre-baby, perfectionist lifestyle. While everyone encouraged me to rest when the babies did, I’ve always found it difficult to nap. My mind races with a list of tasks, worries, and plans. So, instead of resting, I washed bottles, managed laundry, and cleaned whenever the twins were asleep. And when they woke up, I took them on long walks for fresh air and to shed some lingering baby weight.
But it wasn’t a success.
Two months later, I hit a wall. While preparing bottles, an overwhelming wave of nausea, dizziness, and panic struck me. The room spun, and my legs felt weak. This marked the beginning of a new reality for me — episodes of anxiety accompanied by physical symptoms that had me convinced something was seriously wrong with my heart or mind.
I have struggled with generalized anxiety disorder and panic attacks for most of my life. With therapy and some medication, I had enjoyed a few years without major anxiety episodes. However, after giving birth, familiar symptoms resurfaced, intensified, and new ones emerged.
Though the symptoms were alarming, they didn’t deter me. I returned to work and pushed myself relentlessly. I was up at 5 a.m., in the office by 7:30 a.m., pumping three times during the workday, eating lunch at my desk, and leaving at 4:30 p.m. to switch to mom mode for the next four hours, before collapsing into bed.
After nearly fainting during meetings and, more concerning, while caring for my twins, I realized it was time to consult a doctor and initiate some changes.
Eight months and numerous tests later, including two MRIs, one CT scan, and 30 days of heart monitoring, I was relieved to learn that I was physically healthy. Now, my focus is on maintaining that health.
I’m seeing a therapist, making a point to take lunch breaks, and incorporating yoga sessions into my week. I’ve also resumed writing, which helps me reconnect with my former self. Prayer has become more significant in my life. Most importantly, I’m learning to cut myself some slack.
I’ve started to appreciate the small victories at home and work. I take a moment to acknowledge my efforts in handling difficult parenting situations. I find humor in days filled with cranky, sleepless babies and cherish the chaos that adds richness to life.
Through this journey, I’ve come to realize that I don’t actually want it all. I don’t need perfectly behaved children; I want them to be respectful yet assertive, to express themselves when something feels wrong, and to be curious about the world around them. While a Pinterest-worthy home is appealing, the upkeep isn’t worth it to me. I’d rather invest my time and resources in creating beautiful memories and embracing what I have.
Though anxiety still lingers, I have faith that it will continue to diminish. Nowadays, when someone remarks on my “super mom” status or how put-together I seem, I take a moment to remind myself not to overextend.
I hope we reach a point where the pressure to “have it all” is alleviated, and when we see someone who seems to possess it all, we’ll dig deeper to ensure they aren’t exhausting themselves in pursuit of an unattainable ideal. We should help each other recognize that we often already have everything we need.
For more on the topic of home insemination, check out this insightful blog post here. If you’re looking for resources related to at-home insemination kits, Make a Mom provides great options. And for additional information on reproductive technologies, this Wikipedia page is an excellent resource.
In summary, chasing an idealized version of “having it all” can lead to neglecting our health and well-being. It’s crucial to find balance and appreciate the beauty in imperfection, while supporting each other in this journey.