If you’ve ever found yourself too drained to engage in intimacy after a long day of parenting, you’re certainly not alone. Research published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior reveals a striking trend: “American adults were having sex approximately nine times less per year in the early 2010s compared to the late 1990s.”
So, what’s driving this decline?
The study highlighted that these decreases in sexual frequency are consistent across various demographics, including gender, race, education, and profession. However, the most significant drops were observed among individuals in their 50s, those with school-aged children, and those who don’t indulge in pornography.
Two primary factors contributing to this decline are being out of a relationship and the impact of helicopter parenting. Yes, you read that right—helicopter parenting.
The constant oversight of our children’s activities, from organizing playdates to supervising every moment of their lives, has taken a toll on many couples’ libidos.
This is frustrating for many, and I can relate. Last year, I penned an article discussing the drawbacks of overly structured play for kids. Growing up in a rural area, I was free to explore and seek out friends on my own by the age of nine. My parents encouraged independence, telling me to come home before dark.
In contrast, my partner and I meticulously coordinate every interaction for our children. When they ask to play with a friend, we contact their parents to set up a playdate. The spontaneity I enjoyed as a child is non-existent for my kids, and it seems that while I was seeking adventure, my parents were nurturing their relationship.
It’s not just about the time commitment—sex doesn’t take long, after all. The real issue lies in the energy required to engage in intimacy. As psychologist Lara Simmons noted in an interview with CNN, “Many parents feel they’ve already completed a slew of exhausting tasks throughout the day, so the thought of adding sex to the agenda feels overwhelming. Instead, we often turn to Netflix for relaxation, which provides instant gratification without any energy input.”
If you’ve been there, you’re not alone. My partner and I often find ourselves opting for Netflix instead of intimacy, which is essentially just “Netflix without the chill.”
The Bigger Picture
The conclusion of this study suggests that parents are indeed missing out—not on the fun we’d like, but on important self-care. It’s clear that today’s emphasis on children can negatively affect our relationships. This decline in sexual activity is simply a symptom of a larger imbalance, where our focus on parenting overshadows our partnership.
So, what can we do? The answer remains elusive. In an age where parents can face scrutiny for allowing their children unsupervised play, helicopter parenting has shifted from a choice to a societal expectation. Hence, the pressures we face are unlikely to ease anytime soon.
Advice often suggests prioritizing our marriage, but that may require us to loosen our grip on parenting responsibilities wherever feasible. This could mean hiring a babysitter or reducing our children’s extracurricular activities to carve out time for our own relationship. Scheduling intimacy, just as we do our children’s activities, might become necessary.
Ultimately, prioritizing your marriage doesn’t diminish your children’s importance; rather, it underscores how vital a healthy relationship is for a thriving family. It’s challenging to cultivate a fulfilling relationship without the time and attention it deserves.
I plan to share this study with my partner, acknowledging that we share the struggle of balancing parenting with our relationship. We intend to assess our time together more holistically and explore ways to step back in our parenting roles to strengthen our marriage. I encourage other parents to do the same.
Additional Resources
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Summary
Couples today are having less sex, largely due to the pressures of helicopter parenting and the resulting exhaustion. This shift is affecting relationships and highlighting the need for balance between parenting and personal connection. Finding ways to prioritize intimacy and self-care is crucial for maintaining a healthy family dynamic.