“She has issues with her mother,” you remarked, dear former mother-in-law, as my son and I struggled to safely extract our distressed, screaming, and kicking daughter from her sister’s birthday celebration. Another gathering I had to forfeit because someone must stay with our daughter during these challenging times. “She has issues with her mother,” you reiterated, quite emphatically (to my own mother, no less—how bold of you!), as we finally managed to secure her in the van, allowing my tears to flow freely in my own moment of despair.
You see, Linda (let’s call you Linda), it had been an exhausting few days. This meltdown was merely the visible peak of a series of emotional upheavals that had transpired during recent summer outings. Just the previous evening, we returned home from a day at the amusement park, where my three kids had a blast, followed by some intense meltdowns. It’s part of our reality; some situations can be avoided, while others simply cannot.
We make attempts to prepare her for unexpected events that could upset her balance, but life is unpredictable. We teach her coping strategies, yet they don’t always work. We want her to enjoy her childhood, but her experiences are often marred by episodes of overwhelming emotional turmoil. In those moments, I cannot control her reactions; no one can. She endures it with our support, much like riding a roller coaster, tightly strapped in with bars to hold onto. All we can do is try to mitigate the situation.
Your granddaughter exhibits high-functioning autism, previously categorized as Asperger syndrome. To those unfamiliar with her, she can appear one of two ways: either perfectly “normal,” albeit with quirky traits, displaying charm and intellect, or, when anxiety peaks, she can become very upset, using her words sharply. Her fight-or-flight response is incredibly potent, leading her to impulsively lash out. Often, she attributes her outburst to minor triggers, like the absence of corndogs at the amusement park, when the root cause is usually sensory overload and anxiety. Some might criticize my decision to bring her there, but I argue it was worthwhile, as she had a wonderful time before the meltdown.
Such reactions can provoke strong responses from onlookers. While some express concern, like the person who called security upon witnessing a child screaming and kicking her mother, others judge harshly. They assume she’s simply misbehaving and that her mother must lack discipline or has spoiled her, oversimplifying a complex situation. They refuse to acknowledge that their child could ever exhibit similar behaviors, so they cast blame elsewhere. Thankfully, many people I encounter aren’t like this, yet I’ve met enough to recognize the pattern.
I strive to keep your granddaughter safe during her struggles. I feel her pain, my own pain, and the distress her siblings experience as well. The embarrassment and fear of judgment weigh on me. I shoulder it all out of love because she is worth it. Yes, it has happened more times than I can count. Do I condone her behavior during meltdowns? No. Do I encourage it? Absolutely not. Do I set boundaries? Yes. Do I invest time in teaching her better coping mechanisms? Yes.
Am I a flawless mother? No. But I give it my all.
Mothers of children with autism have faced blame for their children’s behaviors since the days of the “refrigerator mother” theory, and sadly, this stigma persists. While society has made strides in understanding autism, the fear of judgment lingers. We constantly wonder what more we can do to improve the situation, often feeling like failures despite our best efforts.
I didn’t need your harsh words when I was already feeling overwhelmed, Linda. I suspect your comment didn’t foster a closer bond with your granddaughter or alleviate your feelings of inadequacy as a mother (and yes, I know you had your own struggles). Your remarks caused pain without providing any benefit. I write this to release that hurt and to continue striving to be the best mother I can be.
In the end, the “issue with her mother” is simply that she can only love her daughter; she cannot “fix” her or rewire her brain. She cannot rescue her from her instinctual responses; she can only help her through them. Logic and reasoning have no place during a meltdown; they can only be addressed once calm returns. This is the hope—to cultivate her self-control in the future, allowing her to manage her emotions before they spiral out of control.
But you chose not to see this, didn’t you? Instead, you reverted to a simplistic, black-and-white view that, fortunately, is becoming less common. You have the opportunity to evolve, to recognize the complexities of emotional responses, and to reflect on them with empathy. You can educate yourself on the neuroscience behind autistic meltdowns and understand the various factors at play. If you find it challenging to grasp, seek out experts or resources like those at American Pregnancy. You can appreciate the unique gifts of your complicated yet brilliant granddaughter without resorting to judgment.
And, of course, you can choose to acknowledge and respect “her mother”—the one who is present every day, loving her, supporting her, and doing her absolute best.
In case you want to explore more about parenting and understanding autism, check out this blog post for insightful discussions. For those interested in home insemination methods, Make a Mom provides valuable information on this topic.
Summary
The author reflects on the challenges of parenting a child with autism, emphasizing the importance of compassion over criticism. The piece addresses the misunderstandings surrounding autism and the harm of judgmental attitudes from others, particularly family. The author advocates for understanding, support, and the recognition that meltdowns are not a reflection of poor parenting or discipline, but rather a complex response to overwhelming stimuli.