It’s 4:30 p.m., and my partner still hasn’t returned home. There’s been no call or text, and he didn’t mention staying late. He works at a local school, and usually, he arrives around 3:45 p.m. Panic sets in.
Rationally, I know a student or a parent might have kept him. Yet, my mind spirals into dark thoughts—what if he’s in an accident somewhere? I recall that he didn’t list me as his emergency contact, but instead used a college nickname. Why would he do that?
I try to convince myself that his mother would reach out if something went wrong. But what if his phone is damaged? How would I manage without him? We have three kids to care for. Sure, we have life insurance, but is it enough? Would I be able to tidy the house for a funeral?
As my mind races, I glance around the room, feeling overwhelmed. I need to work, but I can’t even prepare a simple meal. My heart races, hands tremble as I put on a mindless TV show for the kids and start calling him repeatedly. Each unanswered ring heightens my anxiety. Just as I’m about to call hospitals, my phone finally rings.
“I had a parent,” he says, jumping straight into the explanation. He understands my fear. “I’m really sorry.”
“Just text me next time,” I respond through gritted teeth, anger replacing my terror. “I thought you were dead on the road.”
This is the reality of anxiety that often goes unspoken. We might joke about overly cautious parents, the ones who think they’re always sick or that their loved ones are always in danger. You might roll your eyes at them. Yes, we may overreact, but it’s not something we can easily control. We live with a persistent anxiety disorder.
This disorder keeps us in a state of constant alert, scanning for threats to ourselves and our loved ones. For instance, after indulging in too much cheesecake, instead of recognizing it as just that, my anxious mind assumes I’m coming down with something serious. I spent the night worrying about passing a stomach bug to my family, when all I needed was some water and rest.
Every minor ache has the potential to be something catastrophic. A headache? Might be an aneurysm. A toothache? Definitely a root canal. I can’t help but obsess over every little injury, imagining the worst possible scenarios. This is the essence of living with anxiety; it’s irrational, yet it feels so real.
And then there are the kids. Their tumbles and falls send my mind spiraling into worst-case scenarios. I envision broken bones or urgent dental visits. If they fall into water, my thoughts race to the rare but terrifying possibility of brain-eating amoebas. I know it’s unlikely, yet my mind refuses to accept that logic.
When you start to think about long-term health risks, it’s an endless cycle of dread. I remember reading about how hot dog consumption could increase leukemia risks, and that thought haunts me every time I serve them. The statistics about fast food affecting school performance only add to my worry. I stress over screen time and its links to various developmental issues. It feels like I need a filter to shield myself from all this information.
Despite these challenges, I’ve made progress. Medication has been a game-changer. I’m no longer caught in desperate patterns of speech when my partner leaves. Instead of pleading for him to drive safely, I’m learning to just say goodbye. Still, those nagging thoughts linger. Each time he departs, I can’t help but feel a pang of fear—what if this is the last time I see him?
Sisters and brothers in anxiety, I see you. I recognize your worries about health and safety; the fear that drives you to search for life insurance policies at odd hours. This fear of losing loved ones is one of the harshest facets of anxiety. It’s difficult to confront and even harder to share with others.
I’m sharing my experience because I want you to know you’re not alone in this struggle.
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Summary
Living with anxiety can manifest in overwhelming fears of losing loved ones and health concerns. This blog discusses the irrational thoughts and scenarios that come with anxiety, while also emphasizing the importance of seeking help and understanding that you are not alone in your struggles.