If I had to encapsulate the life of a mom in one word, it would definitely be “thankless.” From the moment I welcomed my children into the world (which, by the way, didn’t come with any gifts of gratitude — no “push presents” in sight), I’ve been on call for them. Not just for their basic needs but for every little thing, including the meals they devour (without a “Thanks, Mom!” in earshot), the endless pile of dishes they create, and the never-ending laundry that seems to multiply overnight.
The role of a mother is perpetual and exhausting. Even when my kids are past the diaper stage and don’t need constant supervision during bath time, they still have demands. My home would be immaculate if everyone pitched in, but that’s not how this reality works. As I strive to teach them independence and responsibility, it ultimately falls on my shoulders to manage nearly everything.
In each room, there’s an unspoken checklist of daily chores, and the name next to each task is always “MOM.”
Do I tackle these tasks because I find immense joy in mundane chores? Absolutely not. I do it because that’s what mothers have done throughout history, often without thanks from those they serve (those little ingrates). There are no ancient murals depicting moms organizing their homes or heroic poems about them preparing meals. No Renaissance art captures a mother changing a diaper or tidying up after dinner.
No one notices when we juggle a full-time job, battle illness, or care for a fussy baby while still keeping the household running smoothly. Going above and beyond, ignoring our own comfort to fulfill the family’s needs, rarely earns us the recognition we deserve. This is because the primary caretaker of the home is like the air we breathe — crucial for survival but often overlooked. And if we’re not also the primary breadwinner? Forget about it.
Sure, we might receive a Mother’s Day card once a year with a few heartfelt lines about our importance to the family, but that’s often the extent of the acknowledgment we get. “It’s a labor of love,” we tell ourselves through clenched teeth while scrubbing messes that aren’t even ours.
Living this mom life, balancing household responsibilities with everything else, I can’t help but feel a bit irked when my partner, Tom, expects praise for what he considers “helping out.”
Let me be clear — I appreciate him lightening my often-overwhelming load (which is why I’ve taught my kids to help out since they could hold a sponge; we work smarter, not harder). Given that Tom works longer hours at his job than I do at mine, it makes sense that I handle more of the household chores. I fully accept that.
However, what I can’t wrap my head around is his expectation for recognition when he completes tasks that I do countless times without a hint of thanks. Take the dishes, for instance. I work outside the home a couple of evenings each week, and before I head out, I ensure dinner is ready for everyone, even if I don’t sit down to eat with them.
When I return home, if the table is cleared, Tom is quick to point out his “good deed.” “I cleaned up after dinner,” he says, not directly asking for thanks, but clearly anticipating my gratitude. It doesn’t matter if the table still has remnants of our meal. It doesn’t matter that there’s a pile of dirty dishes in the sink, festering in cold, greasy water. It doesn’t matter that I’m left with the hand-washing and wiping down the countertops.
In Tom’s eyes, gratitude is warranted. After all, he could have easily left everything for me to handle, settling on the couch with the remote — which, admittedly, is a tempting option for anyone. Theoretically, I could do the same and watch as the mess piles up. I could hope that someone might finally recognize that I’m the driving force behind the household functioning smoothly.
I do it because, fairly or not, it’s expected of me — more than my fair share. I’m the mom, and everyone knows that moms keep the household running. But if I’m not getting acknowledged for maintaining order, ensuring my family enjoys hot meals, clean clothes, and a neat home, then I’m not in any rush to offer my thanks either.
If it’s part of my job description, then it’s equally part of his, because we are partners in managing our home just as we are with our children and finances. It’s hard to feel grateful when I’m giving my all and still being overlooked.
He does something once and expects acknowledgment. If he wants my gratitude, he needs to show up consistently. Do it while juggling a child, or when sick, or amidst the chaos of dinner prep and homework. If it becomes his routine, then maybe we can talk about appreciation.
Maybe I should start doing the bare minimum. The next time I do laundry, I could toss his work shirts in the washer and conveniently forget to move them to the dryer. When he asks, “Hey, Honey? My work shirts are still in the washer?” I’ll respond with a cheerful, “I know! They’re all clean!” and wait for him to shower me with praise. After all, I’m not just lounging on the couch, right?
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In summary, the everyday tasks of motherhood often go unrecognized, and the expectation for gratitude can feel one-sided. Balancing responsibilities with appreciation is crucial for a harmonious partnership in managing family life.