When it comes to parenting, most of us would instinctively comfort our child if they were hurt and crying. Likewise, if they were expressing sadness or emotional pain—especially in a genuine way—most parents would rush to provide solace. However, the picture becomes murkier when faced with various scenarios.
What if your child is “fake-crying”? What if their tears are a result of rage, hurtful words, or disruptive behavior in a public setting? What if they’re crying simply because they didn’t get their way? Or, perhaps, they’ve cried for the umpteenth time that day, testing your patience?
In situations where a child is being inappropriate or poses a danger to themselves or others, addressing the behavior is essential. However, outside of those cases, I firmly believe that my role as a parent is to comfort my child anytime they cry, regardless of their age or the reasons behind their tears.
I know some may raise their eyebrows at this perspective, worrying that it will lead to raising entitled children. However, my intention is quite the opposite. The reason I comfort my children when they cry is simple: it’s essential for their emotional and psychological growth.
Children experience intense emotions but often lack the means to regulate them. Fun fact: the areas of children’s brains responsible for emotional control don’t fully develop until they reach their early twenties. Consequently, tears may be their only outlet when feelings become overwhelming.
Ignoring, shaming, or silencing a crying child conveys that their feelings are invalid or should be suppressed. Every child’s emotions—no matter how inconvenient—deserve validation. They should feel supported by their parents, the individuals who hold the most influence in their lives.
This principle applies not just to infants or toddlers; even older children may struggle to articulate their feelings. Their emotions can manifest as tears, whether they’re loud and angry or soft and whiny.
My role isn’t to determine if their feelings are justified. Instead, I focus on listening, accepting, and aiding them in processing their emotions. This doesn’t mean I condone unacceptable behavior; crying itself is merely an emotional release that warrants respect.
For instance, if my 4-year-old wants a candy before breakfast and I refuse, causing him to cry, I will comfort him. I’ll guide him through his emotions by asking questions like, “Are you disappointed I didn’t give you the candy?” He may nod through tears, expressing his desire for the treat. I will let him cry on my lap, assuring him that it’s okay to feel disappointed, as treats are indeed delicious.
However, this doesn’t mean I will relent and give him the candy! Comforting him through his feelings doesn’t equate to coddling or spoiling. It’s about being present, listening, and allowing him to express himself.
Providing comfort during tears doesn’t mean I’m allowing manipulation to occur. Instead, it helps children release their feelings and move forward. It fosters trust, showing them that they can rely on me to help them navigate their complex emotions.
As my children grow, I aspire to be a safe haven for them to express their feelings. It may seem trivial to address a preschooler’s disappointment over candy, but if I dismiss these small moments, how can I expect them to confide in me about more significant disappointments in the future?
Teaching my kids that certain emotions are unacceptable could fracture our communication and trust. Each parent must find a comforting balance that suits their family. I respect that we all have unique ways of navigating parenting, and I’m not here to judge how others manage their crying children.
If your instincts tell you to comfort your crying child and it’s working for you, continue doing so. Trust yourself; you’re not raising a “softie” or a “spoiled brat.” In fact, you’re nurturing a child who understands that their feelings are valid and that they can trust others to support them emotionally.
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In summary, comforting a crying child is crucial for their emotional development. It fosters trust and allows them to express their feelings without fear of judgment. By supporting them through their tears, we equip them with the emotional tools they need for life.