“Oops, my bad,” I say to the stranger who just collided with me in the grocery aisle.
“Excuse me for bothering you, but…” I write in an important email to someone I need to talk to.
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” I’ve told servers when they’ve delivered the wrong dish.
“I really apologize,” I say to my kids when I’m not whipping up breakfast fast enough for their impatient faces.
“Sorry to interrupt,” I mumble to the worker at the gas station who seems completely oblivious to my presence and my needs.
With each “sorry,” it feels like I’m conveying, “I’m deeply sorry for even existing.” It’s as if I’m apologizing for not being superhuman, for making people do their jobs, for being a woman, for sending an email, and for taking up a space that someone else wanted.
For just breathing.
Why do I do this?
Research indicates that women tend to apologize more frequently. Fantastic. One study revealed that women have a lower threshold for what we consider offensive, leading us to offer apologies for normal, everyday occurrences. We are naturally more empathetic and often put ourselves in others’ shoes. Moreover, we tend to avoid direct requests. Hence, the habitual “sorry” becomes a catch-all for our submissive, empathetic feelings bundled into one exasperating word.
A few years ago, there was a Pantene ad that spotlighted how often women apologize. It depicted scenarios where women said sorry for trivial things, which made me cringe because it mirrored my own experiences. The commercial then flipped the script, showing women expressing their needs without prefacing their statements with apologies. Remarkably, they didn’t come off as rude or abrasive; they simply appeared confident and assertive in their positions.
Recently, my partner and I noticed our son frequently apologizing for things he didn’t need to—like standing in the kitchen, his sister’s antics, or even when we asked him questions. He would do it quickly, almost as if it were a reflex, and it was frustrating.
To address this, we instituted a family rule: no one could say “sorry” without a good reason. If someone is genuinely in the wrong, then an apology is warranted; otherwise, it’s just unnecessary filler. And when an apology is given, the recipient acknowledges it with a “Thank you.”
This approach has been somewhat effective, particularly since our 5-year-old is quite the stickler for rules. While she can be a little tyrant, she doesn’t over-apologize like her brother or I do. It has made our apologies meaningful, reserved for situations that truly call for them, rather than casually tossed around to expedite our days.
I’ve also been working on reducing my overuse of “sorry” in public. I’m consciously eliminating those words from my emails, holding my tongue when someone bumps into me, and simply asking a server for the correct meal without the guilt trip. It’s a challenge and feels unnatural, but I’m determined to jump off the apology train—and I hope my child will join me.
Not sorry about it!
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Summary
This article reflects on the tendency of women to over-apologize in daily interactions and the societal pressures that contribute to this behavior. The author explores personal experiences and family dynamics, implementing a family rule to reserve apologies for genuine situations. The narrative emphasizes the importance of confidence and assertiveness while encouraging readers to rethink their habitual use of “sorry.”