On our initial date, my partner, Mia, directly asked me, “Do you snore?” Without a moment’s hesitation, I replied, “Not at all — and I despise sports, adore brunch, and only watch reality TV.” Sure, I was being a bit dramatic, but I did mislead her about my snoring, and it turned out to be one of the best choices I ever made. Now, we are happily married with a lovely 3-month-old daughter named Lily. If I had confessed that my snoring sounds like a freight train, and that I kick, twitch, scream, and even laugh in my sleep, there’s a good chance I’d be single and living under a grimy stairwell in a rundown apartment.
Today, Mia and I share a fantastic marriage, and one of our key strategies for success is having separate bedrooms — not just separate beds, but completely different rooms. When our friends find out, they often say, “Wow, that’s unusual.” Perhaps, but we also get a lot more sleep.
They might argue, “But nothing beats having a warm body next to you in bed.” I’d argue back that nothing surpasses a cool, spacious mattress. During our early dating days, I found it odd that such a petite woman would take up space in a king-size bed. At just 5-foot-4, she tends to sleep diagonally and “starfish,” flinging her limbs out and making it nearly impossible for anyone else to share the bed. It’s not uncommon for her to wake up completely horizontal.
Mia, a light sleeper who has battled insomnia for most of her life, married a man who is a complete nightmare when asleep. In the beginning, our attempts at sleeping together left both of us groggy and irritable the next day. When we decided to cohabitate, we made it a point to have our own bedrooms. At one stage, we even joked about including in our wedding vows: “I promise to love you for better or worse, in sickness and in health, and in separate bedrooms until death do us part.”
Let’s face it: sharing a bed can actually disrupt your sleep. Back in the 1950s, it was quite normal for couples to have separate beds, as they understood the importance of a good night’s rest. We’ve taken that concept further, placing ourselves in entirely different rooms on opposite ends of our apartment. We did this because we cherish each other.
Now that we have a baby and reside in a two-bedroom apartment, I’m about to be displaced from my room as our daughter will need it. For the time being, she sleeps in the living room, but soon we’ll swap spaces, and a divider will be erected to give me a semblance of privacy in my new 8-by-10 room. My queen mattress will be swapped for a full, and my bedroom will finally be free of a TV and dresser.
Before Mia settled on the divider for the living room, there were some humorous suggestions on where I could sleep: outside on our tiny patio, in the bathtub, or squeezed behind the couch. Thankfully, she loves me enough to opt for the divider.
A 2005 National Sleep Foundation study found that nearly 25% of couples sleep apart, whether in separate beds or rooms. People are starting to recognize that our grandparents, who stayed married for decades, were onto something. They’d have family dinners, enjoy evening shows, and then head to their separate bedrooms.
If you’re in a relationship and prefer your own sleeping space, suggesting separate beds may initially offend your partner. Don’t worry; they may come around. Here’s hoping! Someday, our daughter will ask, “Mommy, why do you and Daddy sleep in different rooms?” And Mia will respond, “Because Daddy snores, sweetheart. That’s why.” Our daughter will carry that lesson with her throughout her life.
If you’re interested in learning more about family planning and pregnancy, check out this excellent resource from the CDC. For those considering their fertility journey, you can explore more about fertility boosters for men here. For additional insights, you can also visit one of our other blog posts.
Summary
Separate bedrooms have been a game-changer for my marriage, allowing us to enjoy restful sleep and maintain a loving relationship. The traditional notion of couples sharing a bed may not suit everyone, and with our growing family, we’ve embraced the idea of individual sleeping spaces. As we navigate parenting, I’m grateful for the choice we’ve made to prioritize our sleep and well-being.