Every few months, I find myself overwhelmed by the urge to declutter; it’s as if I need to rid my space of half the items we possess. I scan the room and notice neglected toys, mismatched Tupperware, clothes that no longer fit, and a jumble of tangled wires from long-forgotten electronics.
This feeling intensifies at the end of the day when my kids leave their toys scattered across the living room. Even if it’s just a few items, the sight is enough to set off my anxiety. There are nights when my partner, bless his heart, attempts to tidy up, but he often just leans the toys against their baskets instead of putting them away properly. That drives me absolutely crazy.
For me, it’s more than just a mere annoyance. The clutter triggers a profound sense of panic; it feels as though I can’t breathe amidst the chaos. It symbolizes a world spiraling out of control, and my living room is the embodiment of that chaos. Yes, I deal with anxiety, which means I often perceive my surroundings differently than most. I frequently feel like everything is on the verge of collapse and that I must restore some semblance of order.
Growing up, I lived in a home filled with clutter, thanks to my hardworking, single mother who often struggled to maintain order. I don’t hold it against her—understandably, she was overwhelmed, and clutter didn’t seem to bother her. However, I think my need for a tidy space stems partly from my chaotic childhood, filled with many moves, custody battles, and constant strife. In a way, I’m striving to create the stability that I lacked back then.
While I wouldn’t claim my home is the tidiest on the block, I do allow my kids the freedom to get messy. They have playdates that leave their rooms a disaster zone, and I encourage creativity, whether through painting or cooking. However, I feel the need to clean up immediately afterward. If I don’t, my anxiety levels skyrocket.
On days when my partner works long shifts and I’m left alone with the kids while juggling my own work, keeping things tidy becomes a real challenge. I sometimes leave messes—peanut butter smears on the counter and dishes in the sink—but it gnaws at me. My reaction is visceral; I literally feel the tension building inside me.
When I finally have the chance to tidy up, it’s not just a casual cleanup; it’s an urgent need to regain control and prevent a panic attack. Thankfully, I’ve learned to let some things slide over the years. I don’t judge others for their messes; I can walk into someone else’s clutter and feel perfectly at ease. But my own clutter? That’s a different story.
I understand everyone has various thresholds for clutter, and I’m sure many would find my home disorganized. But the sensation of chaos is always lurking in the background for me. I know I’m not alone in this; there are others out there who, like me, feel overwhelmed by their surroundings yet don’t want to be perceived as “neat freaks.”
To all of you out there, I empathize with your struggles. I recognize that your need for order is not about impressing others; it’s about maintaining your peace of mind and keeping anxiety at bay. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a tidy home—it’s simply part of who you are.
And remember, you are incredible, as am I.
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Summary:
Maintaining a tidy home is essential for managing my anxiety, as clutter triggers overwhelming feelings of chaos and panic. My upbringing in a disorganized environment has influenced my need for order. While I allow my children to enjoy messiness, I feel compelled to clean up immediately to maintain my peace of mind. I acknowledge that everyone has different comfort levels with clutter, and I empathize with those who also feel the weight of their surroundings.