We have a term for it—her defiant expression. This is when my 7-year-old Emma tilts her head, locks eyes with me, and presses her lips together in a straight line. Then, without fail, she does exactly what I just told her not to do.
For instance, I warned her against drinking more water before bedtime, but she shot me that defiant look and guzzled down another glass. Just the other day at my son’s basketball game, I told Emma not to wander onto the adjacent court with her friend. She turned, gave me that same look, and sauntered off anyway.
Each time I see that expression, I can’t help but react. “Cut it out, kiddo,” I say. “Who do you think you are?” But she carries on regardless.
Emma, like all kids, is complex. Yet she stands out as the most headstrong of my three children. She definitely enjoys having things her way and frequently tests the boundaries.
Before I became a parent, I used to hear my sister complain about her daughter—how she never listened, always talked back, and acted like she was in charge. I would tell her that this simply indicated her daughter was developing a strong will, and that’s a positive thing. “You’re just making her sound like a brat,” I’d say. “She’s going to grow up to be a high-powered executive or a politician. How cool is that?” My sister would look at me as if to say, “You really don’t know what you’re talking about.”
As it turns out, I might have had a point. A study from 2015 by the American Psychological Association found that stubborn children who challenge authority are more likely to excel academically and earn high incomes as adults.
I know, it’s a tough realization. But here we are.
The study involved children aged 8 to 12, who were evaluated for traits like academic diligence, entitlement, and importantly, defiance. Forty years later, researchers followed up with these individuals to see how they had fared. Interestingly, the children who rebelled against parental authority were the most likely to achieve significant financial success in adulthood.
So, what does this mean for me as the father of a wonderfully stubborn daughter? Maybe there’s hope for the future (trying to stay positive here). Like any parent, I want my daughter to grow up to be a successful and independent woman. Based on this study, she seems to be on the right path.
It’s important to note that the research doesn’t explain why stubbornness correlates with later success. In an article in Time discussing the study, writer Lisa Thompson suggests that these children may be more competitive in school, leading to better grades. As adults, they might be more assertive in negotiations, demanding higher salaries, and advocating for their financial interests—even if it annoys others.
While these traits are admirable in adults, they can be exasperating in children. So, the next time you see a child throwing a tantrum in a store and think, “That kid needs to learn some respect,” remember: that child might just grow up to be a boss someday.
I admit that I find some solace in this research. There are many nights I lie awake, pondering who my little girl will become. Will she ever outgrow that defiant expression? Will she stop arguing, stomping her feet, or slamming doors? But perhaps I should focus instead on the doors she’ll be determined enough to open.
Amidst the ongoing gender wage gap and the challenges women face in breaking through the glass ceiling, I realize that my fiery and unyielding daughter might just be the one to challenge the status quo.
Reflecting on this perspective makes me feel a bit better about the journey of parenthood. Raising children feels like a gamble. Like many parents, I constantly worry about making mistakes that could lead to my child becoming a city-park flasher or, even worse, a reality TV star.
However, studies like this give me hope. They suggest that while my daughter may be challenging now, this may all contribute to a greater purpose that paves the way for her bright future.
So, for those of you with strong-willed, determined youngsters—who may be prone to foot-stomping and giving you that defiant look—don’t lose heart. If the research holds true, these phases are likely temporary. Eventually, your stubborn child will bring you immense pride, making all those frustrating moments feel worthwhile.
Lord help us.