As a parent of two kids with disabilities, I’ve encountered a vast array of unsolicited advice and well-meaning yet misguided remarks over the past nine years. While some comments are easy to dismiss, others require a thoughtful response, reinforcing my resolve to educate others about disabilities. My daughter, who is now 11 and has cerebral palsy, has made it clear that she prefers I either ignore these comments or address them head-on.
For instance, when someone asks, “What’s wrong with her?” I’ve agreed with her to flip the narrative. I might respond, “What’s wrong? Sweetheart, are you okay?” This approach often prompts the questioner to reconsider their words and realize their mistake. If necessary, my daughter reminds me that some questions are simply inappropriate.
The comments that sting the most typically come from family or close friends, feeling like implicit critiques of my parenting, such as “You let her spend too much time on the iPad,” or “All kids do that. Stop worrying.” While I understand that most people don’t intend to be hurtful, these sentiments can feel demoralizing when repeated.
We reached out to fellow parents to compile a list of things they never want to hear while raising children with disabilities. The responses reveal a shared fatigue regarding common misconceptions about disabilities:
- “God gives special children to special parents.”
We’re just ordinary parents doing our best. Caring for a child isn’t about being “special”; it’s about love and dedication. - “But she looks normal!”
This implies that if a disability isn’t visible, it doesn’t exist, undermining both the diagnosis and our experiences. - “That child just needs discipline!”
This hurtful comment insinuates that poor behavior is a reflection of inadequate parenting, completely overlooking the complexities of therapy and interventions many of us pursue. - “I’m sorry.”
While meant kindly, this phrase suggests that our children are a burden rather than a joy. We love our kids and want to celebrate them, not receive pity. - “He’s taking too many medications. That’s why he has problems.”
Medications are often necessary for our children, and parents shouldn’t have to justify these decisions, which are made with careful consideration for their child’s health. - “She’ll grow out of it.”
Disabilities are lifelong, not something a child can simply “grow out” of. - “I could never do it.”
If you love your children, you absolutely could. This comment implies that our kids are unlovable, which couldn’t be further from the truth. - “Have you considered sending him to a group home?”
This reflects outdated views on disability. Most parents want to keep their children at home, and we just need the right support. - “Have you tried giving _______?”
We often hear anecdotal advice about miraculous cures. Trust us, if it seems plausible, we’ve probably already researched it. - “Didn’t you know before birth?”
This personal question assumes we would have made a different choice, which is not only offensive but also dismisses the love we have for our children. - “It could be worse; at least she can walk.”
This comment minimizes our struggles. Just because others face more challenges doesn’t invalidate ours. - “He’ll eat when he’s hungry.”
This may work for some children, but many kids with sensory issues don’t respond to hunger cues. - “My kid does it too.”
This remark diminishes our unique challenges and fears, suggesting that our experiences aren’t valid. - “God only gives us what we can handle.”
This misinterpretation of faith can be frustrating. Parenting a child with a disability can feel overwhelming at times. - “Stop using the ‘autism’ card for sympathy.”
Our children’s disabilities are part of our lives—they require consideration, not sympathy.
In summary, these comments reflect a lack of understanding about disabilities and can often feel dismissive or hurtful. As parents, we seek compassion and a genuine understanding of our experiences. If you’re interested in more perspectives on similar topics, you can check out this resource or explore fertility supplements for additional insights on parenthood. For those expecting or navigating pregnancy, March of Dimes offers excellent resources.