When I first met my husband, I had no idea he had a deep passion for classic cars. Sure, I learned this on our first date when he shared that his first car in high school was a 1971 Thunderbird that required leaded gas from the local airport. However, if I had known that my marriage vows would need to include phrases like “In sickness and in health, and also, I won’t roll my eyes when you store car parts in the dining room,” I might have thought twice about rushing down the aisle.
I’m joking, mostly.
In the early days of our marriage, I tried to join him at car shows and trade events, and I even went along with him to grocery store parking lots to admire cars that had horsepower and torque and thrust—whatever that means! While I did my best to engage in conversations with fellow car enthusiasts, I ended up admitting a few years ago that I would rather endure a pap smear by Edward Scissorhands than spend another sweltering day at a car show.
It just isn’t my thing.
That’s his passion, and he was relieved to hear my honesty because he felt that my lack of enthusiasm was forcing him to rush through the events he loved. So, I stopped attending car shows, but I still make time to hear about the highlights when he returns home. This arrangement works better for both of us.
Last year, he and a few friends took a trip to a national car race. They booked tickets, flights, and a hotel for five days filled with cars and camaraderie. While they may have envisioned reliving their wild college years, the photos of their 40-year-old selves at a Taylor Swift concert made it look more like a scene from “Old School.” They had an absolute blast.
When a friend learned about his trip during the school year, she rolled her eyes and said, “Ugh, I’d never let my husband do that. I can’t believe you let him go.”
Excuse me? “Let?”
I never “let” my husband do anything.
He’s a responsible adult who doesn’t need my permission to pursue his interests or hang out with friends. And equally important, he offers me the same freedom. Sure, when you’re married and have kids with busy schedules, planning a girls’ weekend or a night out takes some coordination; our calendar can be a real puzzle. But I never use it as an opportunity to exert control over him.
I also recognize how eager I am to escape the house after a long week with the kids, so I completely understand his need for some time away.
We both appreciate that while we cherish our time together, it’s essential to spend time with friends too. It’s not about “letting” each other go; it’s about acknowledging that we can both be independent individuals while still sharing our lives.
My husband and I have different interests, and we learned long ago that the key to a healthy relationship is allowing each other the space to explore our passions without guilt. I’m a huge fan of Broadway musicals, and while he enjoys going to shows occasionally, he has no desire to sit through off-Broadway experimental theater with me. He willingly manages things at home so I can indulge in that creative side of me.
And I don’t begrudge him for wanting to stay home either; I’d prefer to enjoy the experience with a friend who appreciates it. When I’m away for a weekend, he isn’t “babysitting” or “helping me out.” He’s co-parenting while I recharge my energy, and when he’s out, I don’t complain about being a “single parent” or get annoyed when he sends me snapshots of himself poolside with a cocktail. We both deserve to unwind and have fun.
There’s no “letting” involved here because my husband is not my possession, and I’m definitely not his. We’re partners. I will admit I felt a hint of jealousy about that Taylor Swift concert, though.
And while I may not be a car enthusiast, I’ve come to appreciate those moments when we cruise together in our 1966 Mustang convertible; there’s something special about that too.
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In summary, true partnerships are built on trust, communication, and mutual respect for each other’s independence. Embracing our differences and allowing for personal passions enriches our relationship, making it healthier and more fulfilling.