In a thought-provoking piece, author Melissa Green discusses her experience being invited to a podcast hosted by a few male friends. The show aims to educate straight, white men on how to be better allies by engaging with people who face different societal challenges. Green, a self-identified plus-sized, white feminist, found herself grappling with one pressing question during her appearance: “Do you ever defend me?”
This straightforward inquiry carries significant weight, especially in the context of recent societal events. While some men may dismiss women’s concerns as mere oversensitivity, the reality is starkly different. Since the rise of a certain political figure in 2016, a palpable war on women has emerged. This term “war” aptly describes the ongoing struggle, as many cisgender heterosexual men feel their way of life is threatened simply by women seeking equal treatment.
The notion of equality shouldn’t be shocking, but for many, it seems too difficult to accept. The backlash against women demanding visibility and respect is evident, both in person and online. Some men claim to be allies, but do they truly act on that claim? Are they willing to stand up against sexism when it matters, or only when it’s convenient for them?
I must admit, I don’t have many close friends who are straight, white men. As a Black woman, our experiences often differ greatly. However, I trust that if my closest male friend, an ex-partner and father of my child, were in a position to defend marginalized individuals, he would choose to do the right thing rather than opt for silence or complicity.
Green touches on the concept of being a “buzzkill” in her essay; women advocating for their rights are often labeled as such, which inadvertently pressures men who stand against misogyny to be labeled similarly. Men, it’s essential to understand that no one is trying to ruin your fun. There is a distinct line between humor and sexism, and when you cross it, you need to be called out.
In the past, I have found myself in male-dominated spaces, often feeling the need to conform to the expectations of those around me. The pressure to be likable often leads women to suppress their voices, something we’ve been conditioned to do in a patriarchal society. But I refuse to shrink myself any longer. I will take up space unapologetically, and perhaps even challenge you to do the same.
Men, speaking out is not as hard as it seems. It’s the right thing to do, and it should be done consistently. If you worry about being excluded from spaces where sexism prevails, it’s time for some self-reflection. You cannot claim to support women one moment and laugh at misogynistic jokes the next; that’s complicity, not allyship.
Women are human beings deserving of respect and equality, not just in relation to the men in their lives. It’s infuriating to witness high-profile men only address issues of sexism by referencing their female relatives. Women are individuals who deserve to be treated as such, not merely as extensions of men. We are equals and should be recognized as such.
So, for those men who proudly label themselves as allies or feminists: Do you provide women the respect and space we deserve, even when we’re not present? Consider this carefully. Are you genuinely putting your support into action?
Are you prepared to face ridicule for standing up for women in male-dominated environments? Will you be willing to endure the same mockery women face for asserting their rights? If these questions cause hesitation, perhaps you are not an ally after all.
As a mother to a son who will eventually grow into a man, I will ensure he understands the importance of advocating for women’s rights among his peers. It’s time for us to acknowledge that this issue is real and requires our attention. You don’t need to prove your awareness by reading every book or attending every rally, but calling out sexist behavior in your circles is a crucial first step.
Women are deserving of respect and dignity. So, take a stand, even if it makes you uncomfortable—especially when it does.
Summary
Men must actively confront misogyny and sexism in their social spheres, understanding that true allyship involves standing up for women’s rights, even when it’s uncomfortable. It’s crucial to recognize that women deserve respect as equals, not merely in relation to men.