“You give kids an inch, and they’ll take a mile.”
“Parents are too lenient these days; that’s why children lack respect.”
“Just wait until they’re teenagers—they’ll walk all over you.”
I’ve encountered these sentiments numerous times throughout my 17 years of parenting. These comments often appear in response to parents who allow their children to make a sandwich if they don’t like dinner, bring forgotten homework to school, or negotiate bedtimes.
I completely understand the concerns surrounding permissive parenting styles because I share them. Children do require boundaries and need to understand who holds authority. However, strict authoritarianism is not the answer either. There is a balanced approach between chaos and a rigid dictatorship, and that’s where my family thrives.
Bedtime Flexibility
Take bedtime, for instance. I was once a staunch advocate for a 7:30 bedtime for the kids, and it worked well for a time. However, our two youngest are natural night owls, and we’ve had to adapt our expectations significantly in recent years. Our 8- and 12-year-old daughters enjoy reading, talking, and listening to stories long after my partner and I have gone to bed. As long as they get enough rest, we’ve decided to embrace their nighttime energy.
Encouraging Input
My partner and I frequently seek our children’s input. We ask for their opinions and genuinely consider their thoughts, even when they offer unsolicited advice. When they present their reasoning for wanting to do something—or not—we listen.
Of course, sometimes their arguments boil down to simply “because!” In those instances, discussions pause until they can articulate a more reasonable point. But we encourage respectful debate, allowing them to voice their thoughts and listen to ours in return.
For example, when my daughter requests extra screen time for her writing project, we agree. Conversely, when my son argues that he deserves the same amount of screen time because his sister has more, we clarify the distinction between writing and gaming, emphasizing that life isn’t always equitable.
Valuing Opinions
We want our children to feel their opinions are valued. While they won’t always get their way, they know their feelings are acknowledged and appreciated. This process helps them develop negotiation skills that will be invaluable as they mature.
Fostering flexibility also encourages our children to be adaptable. If they grow up under strict rules and absolute authority, how will they manage in the real world? Contrary to what many authoritarian parents believe, life isn’t a rigid, follow-the-rules environment. Instead, it’s dynamic and requires creativity and emotional intelligence.
Lightening Up
Additionally, maintaining a flexible approach allows us all to lighten up a bit. While there’s a time for discipline, it doesn’t have to permeate every aspect of our lives. I have no desire to run our home like a military camp, and I doubt my children do either.
It’s not about avoiding upsetting my children or struggling to say no. Believe me, we enforce boundaries, and they express their disappointment. If they become overly emotional, I’m happy to pause the conversation for a later time. However, I don’t automatically dismiss their feelings as unreasonable or assume they are wrong because they’re kids. I give them space to calm down and articulate their thoughts.
Final Say with Open Ears
Ultimately, my partner and I have the final say, but that doesn’t preclude us from listening to our kids and integrating their perspectives into our decisions. Children can offer excellent solutions, especially when included in the problem-solving process.
So, yes, we often give our kids a little leeway, and surprisingly, they don’t attempt to take advantage of it. Our children demonstrate respect because they’ve grown up in an environment of mutual regard. As we approach the teenage years with one child and prepare for another to enter them, neither exhibits any tendency to disregard us.
Our adaptable parenting style has proven to be successful for everyone involved. By allowing flexibility, we maintain a close bond with our children while equipping them with essential life skills. Looking back, I’d choose this approach time and again without hesitation.
Additional Resources
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In summary, embracing a democratic approach to parenting fosters mutual respect, encourages communication, and equips our children with vital skills for the future.