What do you want to be when you grow up? This innocent question, once a staple of childhood, now weighs heavily on today’s youth. Instead of inspiring dreams, it often amplifies anxiety and diminishes self-worth. It suggests that success hinges on becoming someone else, reinforcing the damaging narrative that they are not sufficient as they are. This mentality feeds into a productivity-driven culture that equates self-worth with degrees and accolades.
My concern deepened after learning about Alex Turner, a 25-year-old medical student at Maplewood University, who tragically took his life in September 2016 after facing rejection during his residency applications. While I don’t wish to oversimplify the complex issue of rising suicide rates among medical students—there are numerous contributing factors—I find it essential to reflect on what we are teaching young people about their self-worth. How are we equipping them to handle failure? How can we help them navigate life’s challenges?
We need to examine why we feel inadequate, why our children feel they are not enough, and why traditional roles—such as friend, parent, or sibling—are viewed as insufficient. Why do we insist on defining self-identity and worth through accomplishments and external validation?
The prevalent “work hard, play hard” ethos leaves little room for that elusive work-life balance. This pressure doesn’t only emerge in higher education; it begins much earlier, in the conversations we have with our children about their futures. We often encourage them to transform into something extraordinary, overlooking their inherent value. This societal mindset is a grave disservice that we must begin to correct.
Our high schools today are witnessing a troubling epidemic: a student body plagued by anxiety, depression, and various mental health issues. Research published in the journal Pediatrics indicates a 37% rise in major depression episodes among youth aged 12–20 from 2005 to 2014. While some experts argue that increased awareness accounts for this uptick, others point to direct influences, including the impact of screen time and social media on interpersonal relationships and a relentlessly competitive job market.
One major aspect compelling us to rethink our communication with children is the helicopter parenting style, which attempts to shield kids from disappointment and pain. The consequences of this approach are evident. A visit to a high school principal’s office reveals students who have not learned to face consequences because their parents are quick to step in. For instance, consider the parent who delivers a forgotten lunch box—complete with a hot meal—rather than allowing their child to experience the natural consequences of forgetting it. Or the parents who intervene so frequently that they eliminate opportunities for their children to problem-solve, whether in academic settings or on the sports field. Some youths never experience winning or losing because they participate in events where everyone is guaranteed a win.
It’s time we embrace disappointment and failure as necessary experiences rather than emotions to be avoided at all costs. We can only protect our children for so long before they confront the realities of life. What will happen when they encounter failure and disappointment for the first time at 18?
Resilience, hard work, perseverance, and the ability to cope with failure are essential qualities. How can we foster success without first teaching these attributes? It’s time to prioritize character development over achievement. We should focus on asking our children who they are and how they wish to grow, rather than pressuring them to define themselves by their degrees or accolades. Sometimes, simply being themselves is more than enough.
This article was originally published on July 11, 2017.
For more insights on parenting and navigating life’s challenges, feel free to explore our other blog posts, such as this one.
In conclusion, it’s crucial to rethink how we communicate with our children about their futures, emphasizing resilience over accolades. By fostering a culture that values character, we can help them thrive in an increasingly complex world.