Dear Spanx,
We had a deal, and let’s just say you’ve been falling short lately. You’re supposed to be my trusty ally in the battle against my body’s little imperfections—tightening, shaping, holding, and smoothing. Sure, I’ve gained a few pounds, but you come with built-in stretch, right? You should be able to handle a few extra pieces of chocolate and pizza. This isn’t exactly a surprise, is it? Your primary role is to assist those of us who struggle to maintain our fitness. I bought you in my size, which was fine back then, but now I’m just slightly on the other side of that. A mere 10 pounds (okay, okay, the infamous freshman 15) shouldn’t be a dealbreaker—but here we are.
1. The Big Day
Remember that time I wore you for my daughter’s big day? Let’s rewind for a moment. I had on a stunning dress, but I had also gained a few—okay, more than a few—pounds (thanks a lot, Sanibel vacation). I opted for the all-in-one option from your budget-friendly line, because honestly, spending $80 on something no one would see felt excessive. Well, let’s just say the photos told a different story. You failed to deliver on your promise; I looked like I was five months pregnant.
2. The Church Incident
And don’t think I’ve forgotten about that little incident while I was at church. Do you recall how you rolled up like a cheap window shade? There I was, sitting in the pew, and your Lycra decided to just give up. You rolled up my legs and settled right around my backside. I was left desperately trying to adjust you under my dress in a crowded church. I’m pretty sure the folks around me thought I was engaged in something much more scandalous than a wardrobe malfunction. Thanks for that awkward moment.
3. The Jumpsuit Fiasco
Then there was the time I wore that black jumpsuit to my child’s fundraiser. I know, I know—it was a questionable choice, but I felt fabulous. Fast forward to me, trapped in a bathroom stall, wrestling with the shapewear. After finally managing to shrug off the top of my jumpsuit, I was still contending with the bottom piece that kept everything in check. It felt like I was in a wrestling match, and I had to do it all while some poor lady next door was having her own bathroom emergency. It was a scene out of a comedy, but not the kind I wanted to star in.
4. The Closet Struggle
Then there was that fateful day when I got stuck in my shapewear tank top after an exhausting day. I was in my closet, literally wrestling with the clingy fabric that decided to cling just a bit too tightly. Panic set in, and I seriously considered grabbing a pair of scissors. Eventually, I managed to free myself, but not without understanding what true claustrophobia feels like.
5. The Final Straw
The final straw came one evening when I had to ask my husband to help me out of my Spanx ¾ sleeve top. I was genuinely trapped, and the situation was becoming increasingly uncomfortable. Talk about destroying the illusion of sexiness I’ve been trying to maintain for the past 14 years. So much for that, right?
So here’s the deal, Spanx, Assets, or whatever you want to call yourself. You’ve caused me enough embarrassment, panic, and bathroom chaos to last a lifetime. If I could just shed 20 pounds, I’d kick your constricting self to the curb.
P.S. I know that going up a size would fix everything, but I’m not investing any more money in you—after all, I plan to be back to my ideal size soon.
Thanks for your unhelpful assistance.
Sincerely,
Me
P.S. If you’re interested in more related topics, check out our post on home insemination at Cervical Insemination. And for those looking for a reputable online retailer, you can find great at-home insemination kits at Make a Mom. For further information about pregnancy and home insemination, visit the CDC’s excellent resource.
In summary, my experiences with Spanx have been riddled with frustration and embarrassment. It’s clear that while they are marketed as the perfect solution for a smoother silhouette, the reality often falls short of expectations.
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