As a pediatrician, I often find myself contemplating the unique challenges that come with parenting, especially when it involves taking my three children out to dinner at restaurants that are not exactly designed for family outings. My little ones, aged 7, 5, and 3, are dressed to impress in their best attire—suit jackets, neatly combed hair, or polo shirts with khakis for warmer weather. I make sure to clean their faces and turn down their flashy shoes. I remind them to behave, but the real struggle begins even before we leave the house.
Stage 1: Fashion Resistance
My youngest wants to wear his beloved superhero shirt and matching shoes, vehemently protesting against the Oxford shirt I try to put on him. His dramatic resistance resembles that of a writhing spider monkey on the floor. After finally wrestling him into the suit jacket and adding an adorable clip-on bowtie, I can’t help but think, isn’t this a form of baby torture?
Stage 2: Winning Over the Staff
Upon arrival, he walks in holding my hand, sporting a fedora that makes the staff swoon. With an angelic smile, he requests “water, please,” in a chirpy voice that could melt anyone’s heart.
Stage 3: Ice Cube Antics
The water arrives, but he’s not pleased with the to-go cup. He promptly dives into the nearest glass for ice, munching away contentedly, which will become a recurring theme throughout the meal.
Stage 4: The Onset of Boredom
Once the ice has been devoured, he attempts to escape his chair, kick his siblings, or wield a fork like a weapon. After confiscating the utensils, I surrender and hand him my phone, desperate for a moment of adult conversation. He becomes engrossed in a game designed to teach coding, which honestly seems confusing to anyone over the age of 8.
Stage 5: Ordering Dilemma
When it’s time to order, he refuses all adult options and opts for tater tots—no sides, just tater tots. This is a battle I lose, and we can only hope that the chef doesn’t add any unwanted ingredients.
Stage 6: The Tater Tot Incident
The tater tots arrive, and he eagerly digs in, only to burn his tongue. The resulting scream is loud enough to attract attention. Amidst the chaos, my 5-year-old seizes my phone, leading to another round of frantic parental negotiation.
Stage 7: Momentary Peace
After the tater tots have been consumed, the adults finally begin eating. Conversation flows, albeit interrupted by the occasional command to maintain order. But soon, another child’s tantrum erupts over a lack of screen time.
Stage 8: The Waiting Game
After finishing our meals, the check is nowhere to be found. The tension escalates as my 3-year-old climbs under the table, giggling until his brothers get too close to my phone, triggering another shriek. My anxiety spikes as I feel the stares of other diners.
Stage 9: The Check’s Arrival
Plates are whisked away, and the battle for the credit card receipt begins. In a questionable parenting move, we allow our youngest to scribble his “signature” because he’s the baby; the other kids sulk in jealousy.
Stage 10: The Car Ride Home
As I strap him into his car seat, he screams when I take my phone back. His brother’s request for it nearly causes me to lose my cool. The car ride home is filled with the cries of an exhausted toddler who has ketchup stains on his suit jacket—great, just what I needed.
I turn to my husband and vow that we will never do this again. “What were we thinking?” I lament. We agree to avoid this chaos in the future, at least until next Friday rolls around.
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Summary
Dining out with a young child can be a rollercoaster of emotions, from battling wardrobe choices to managing expectations at the restaurant. While the chaos may feel overwhelming in the moment, it serves as a reminder of the unpredictable yet heartwarming nature of parenting.