As I prepared for motherhood, the item I desired most from my baby shower registry was the Baby Bjorn. More than the fancy crib or the jogging stroller, I imagined myself constantly carrying my little one, cooking, cleaning, and exercising with them snuggled close. I envisioned a life where we would be inseparable, just like a beloved cartoon duo.
My son was born at 2:32 AM. After a long night of holding him, I finally fell asleep only to wake up and find him missing. Panic set in as my husband reassured me he was just undergoing newborn screenings. “Can you please get him for me?” I asked after just five minutes. I was desperate to have him back in my arms. I was ready to live out my dream of attachment parenting, eager to have my baby connected to me like a barnacle.
However, just six hours into being home with him, I faced a harsh reality: I couldn’t maintain the attachment parenting lifestyle I had imagined. The guilt I felt was overwhelming. If I struggled to carry my 8-pound newborn, how would I manage as he grew heavier and needed more space?
I adored him more than anything, but I quickly realized I needed my personal space more than I had anticipated. Extensive nursing sessions left me feeling restless and confined. My body was sending signals that I needed to move freely without another person attached to me. I began to nurse him briefly and then put him down, even though guilt washed over me. Watching other mothers nurse for hours made me envious and frustrated with myself for not being able to do the same.
I cherished the moments spent holding him, showering him with affection, and occasionally napping together. We shared afternoons reading soft books, but as time went on, I craved personal space. When he bit me while nursing at eight months, I felt a sense of relief; I knew we were done with that phase.
I occasionally used the Baby Bjorn while running errands, and I rejoiced when he was old enough to sit in a shopping cart. I could engage with him, share snacks, and enjoy our time together without the strain of constant physical contact. I learned that he was thriving even while I allowed him to nap in his crib and play on the floor.
Clinging to those moments helped alleviate my guilt. Ultimately, I realized that being true to myself is essential for being the best mother I could be. Motherhood may not have unfolded as I envisioned, but prioritizing my mental and physical well-being was what truly mattered. Our children benefit when we find our own balance in parenting.
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In summary, while I began my parenting journey with the intention of being an attachment parent, I discovered the importance of personal space and listening to my own needs. This realization helped me embrace a different, yet fulfilling style of parenting.