I often found myself waking from dreams where I was entwined in a passionate embrace with an old flame or engaged in bizarre scenarios featuring a mix of former partners. My friend looked at me, a knowing smile on her face. “Oh sweetie,” she said softly, “those dreams won’t stop just because you tied the knot.” How naive I must have sounded, thinking that marriage would magically alter the inner workings of my mind.
During my single days, I viewed marriage as a kind of remedy: “Once I’m married, loneliness will vanish. I’ll find my purpose. Anxiety will be a thing of the past. I’ll easily connect with others and leave thoughts of lost loves behind.” Of course, none of that came true. While I do feel a sense of happiness, security, and support now, the notion that marriage would eliminate all my fears and guilt was misguided. I still find myself getting emotional when a familiar song triggers memories of past relationships, and my dreams often reflect the bittersweet nature of life.
Just last week, I had a dream where I shared a passionate kiss with a stranger, someone I couldn’t quite place. We were both young, perhaps teenagers, and upon waking, the joy of that moment hit me hard—I realized I’d likely never feel that sense of exhilarating discovery again.
Some people have wild pre-wedding jitters—like running off with a stripper or drastically changing their appearance. I never felt that urge; I had waited long enough for marriage, and the thought of a lifelong commitment didn’t frighten me. Yet, sometimes, as I navigate my busy life filled with responsibilities, I feel a pang of fear knowing that The Beginning is behind me. I’m now in The Middle, and The End is creeping closer.
If getting married is like sealing the fate of your youth and freedom, then having a child is like driving in the final nail (metaphorically speaking, of course; I assume modern coffins have more sophisticated fasteners). Nothing emphasizes your own mortality like becoming a parent. As Jerry Seinfeld humorously noted, “I adore my baby, but let’s be clear: babies are here to replace us.” The thrill of discovery now belongs to my child. In the natural flow of life, I’ve passed my youthful joys onto him.
I recognize that there are still joys awaiting me, ones that come with age: nurturing my home, witnessing my child’s growth, and cherishing long-standing relationships. Yet, it’s an odd experience to observe myself aging while my dreams vividly revive the electric thrill of new love. In dreams, I exist as both my current self and a timeless emotional version of me. It terrifies me to think of this eternal self trapped within a decaying body, yearning to break free. It’s this part of me that resists stepping aside for the next generation.
This was the same self that bristled when one of my brightest students corrected my spelling. In my haste, I had written “r-h-i-n-o-s-e-r-o-u-s” on the board. I knew better, and the mistake stung. I may have my shortcomings—be it my lack of athleticism or socially awkward tendencies—but I take pride in my spelling skills. I even participated in the National Spelling Bee! I fancied myself as The Spelling Queen, ruling from a throne adorned with dictionaries. Suddenly, this eager 12-year-old, bound for the National Bee himself, had knocked me off my pedestal.
Just like that, the student had become the teacher.
I fell, ungracefully, kicking and screaming in slow motion—that’s pretty much how I feel about aging overall. However, the silver lining of marriage is having a partner to navigate this journey with, to share the fears and uncertainties. “I misspelled ‘rhinoceros,’ I’ll never experience the thrill of new romance again, my knees creak when I climb stairs, and I can’t remember anything anymore!” I lament, and he simply takes my hand. He understands.
For more insights into the complexities of marriage and parenthood, you can check out this post. And if you’re exploring the journey of starting a family, consider looking into reputable retailers that offer at-home insemination kits. For more information on pregnancy, this is an excellent resource.
In summary, the dreams we have don’t cease after marriage; they evolve alongside us. As we age and navigate life’s complexities, we may find ourselves reminiscing about the exhilarating moments of youth, while also embracing the profound joys that come with maturity and parenthood.
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