Three days after returning from a blissful honeymoon, I impulsively decided to cut off nearly a foot of hair that I had spent a year and a half growing for our wedding. I didn’t even bother to mention it to my husband, much less seek his approval.
I tend to be quite spontaneous, and I find excitement in that. While flipping through a magazine with a colleague, I spotted an eye-catching hairstyle and immediately booked an appointment. Honestly, if my husband felt the need to ask for permission before getting a haircut, it would seem quite strange. So why should I?
Reflecting on my teenage years, I recall wanting to trade my conventional bob for something more daring. I had my heart set on the asymmetrical styles that were trending in the ’80s. When I asked my father for permission, he flatly refused, leaving me sulking on my bed, dreaming of a cooler look. The lack of autonomy stifled me then, and I believe experiences like that have shaped my desire for independence today. I don’t seek permission for things I want to do—be it haircuts, tattoos, or even purchasing a pair of jeans that aren’t on sale. I’ve grown into an adult who cherishes the freedom to make my own choices.
My husband and I do engage in discussions about significant commitments, such as buying a house or a car, as these decisions affect both of us. However, when it comes to personal choices—like changing my hairstyle or planning a weekend getaway with friends—I simply inform him of my plans instead of asking for approval. For example, I would say, “I’d like to plan a trip to the city with my best friend,” rather than, “Can I go to the city for the weekend?” I’m not a child, after all. We check our schedules to ensure that there are no conflicts, and then I proceed with my plans.
If our children observed us seeking each other’s permission for everyday choices, it might suggest a lack of trust in our ability to make sound decisions. I don’t micromanage my husband, nor does he micromanage me; he is my partner, not my child. This fall, when he brought home another kayak—a total of three now—he didn’t ask for my consent. I encouraged him to enjoy it, as it brings him joy and fits within our budget.
However, I must admit that after I left my job, I felt the need to seek permission for spending money since I wasn’t earning an income. My dynamic shifted until my younger sister, whom I cherish, reminded me, “Don’t ask for permission! You work too.” Her words were a wake-up call; I realized that my hesitation was affecting the equilibrium in our household. My husband didn’t want me to seek permission for purchases, and it felt just as awkward for him as it did for me.
Whether you work outside the home or manage household duties, both partners should feel equal in their contributions. Asking for permission to make personal choices diminishes one’s autonomy. We are a team, but that doesn’t equate to blindly doing whatever we want. It means we respect each other as individuals while acknowledging our ability to make independent decisions. For larger family matters, we discuss and weigh the pros and cons together, but seeking permission is never part of the process.
One of the most liberating aspects of adulthood is that no one is in charge of you. I relish the ability to make my own decisions, sometimes with my husband’s support and sometimes independently. But I must admit, if he were to come home with yet another kayak, I might just lose my composure.
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In summary, maintaining independence within a partnership is crucial. While significant decisions require discussion, personal choices should not necessitate permission. Trust and respect are fundamental, allowing both partners to thrive as individuals and as a team.