As a physician and a parent, I’ve witnessed firsthand the complexities of raising children. Recently, I found myself watching my youngest son drive away, his car filled with everything he needed for college. In that moment, I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness and emptiness. It was as if a part of me was lost.
A well-meaning friend attempted to console me by saying, “Well, I guess you’re not a mother anymore.” In a moment of frustration, I retorted with a butter knife in hand, “Take that back.” Reflecting on that moment now, it stands out as one of the lowest points of my 25 years as a parent.
As time passed, I gradually found clarity. My husband and I began to adapt to our quieter home, and I started to ponder my role as a mother of adult children. The questions flooded my mind: How involved should I remain? Should I still offer advice? Am I still responsible for holiday traditions, like filling Easter baskets or Christmas stockings?
One major question stood out: When does a child truly become an adult? The answer varies widely. According to the law, individuals are considered adults at 18, which is often linked to voting and military service. However, adulthood is more of a journey than a destination. I believe that true adulthood is reached when a person can fully take care of themselves, especially financially. This moment is different for everyone, but generally, self-sufficiency marks the end of childhood.
So, what does this mean for my role as a parent now that my children are adults? After some trial and error, I’ve come to a conclusion: it’s best to let my adult children determine how involved I should be in their lives. Sure, they may make choices I wouldn’t, and they might encounter setbacks—just as I did at their age. But these experiences are essential for their growth. Life is about learning from mistakes, and that process leads to wisdom.
What if my adult child’s choices clash with my values? This can be challenging. We raise our children with our beliefs, but if they choose paths that diverge from what we taught them, that’s their right. Their lives are theirs to live, not ours to control. Our role shifts to one of unconditional love and support, regardless of whether we agree with their decisions.
If they seek guidance, I’m more than willing to offer it, but it’s important to wait until they ask. Whether it’s a daily chat or a rare conversation, the key is to cherish those moments and respect their independence. The more love and support we give, the more likely they’ll want to engage with us.
For those navigating this new phase of parenting, it’s time to embrace the changes. Set aside any frustration, and recognize that setbacks and poor choices can lead to maturation. Watching our children carve out their own lives is a beautiful experience.
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In summary, letting go may be one of the most challenging yet rewarding aspects of parenthood. By supporting our children as they transition into adulthood, we foster their independence while ensuring they know they are loved unconditionally.