Growing up in a household where shouting was the norm, I never perceived it as unusual. It was simply the way things were. However, everything changed when I became a parent. One day, after losing my voice, I began to question whether yelling was detrimental to both my children and myself.
Yelling often isn’t merely about frustration; sometimes, it’s a desperate attempt to be heard amidst the chaos that comes with parenting. Regardless of the reason, once yelling starts, it creates a painful cycle where children tune out and parents feel both angry and guilty, perpetuating the issue.
So, I made a conscious decision to stop yelling. I initially thought this would be straightforward, but it turned out to be as challenging as quitting smoking or swearing—it was tough, and I stumbled numerous times before finding some success.
The key to my journey was understanding the complicated reasons behind my yelling. I had to confront the reality that I didn’t always know how to manage my children’s behavior, a difficult truth for any parent to accept. No amount of babysitting or camp counseling could prepare me for the moment when my child would knowingly defy my instructions, testing boundaries—a perfectly natural behavior for kids that often catches new parents off guard.
I also held a belief that as the parent, my perspective was infallible and that my kids needed to respect my authority. While respect is essential, I learned that it is mutual. I couldn’t confuse fear with respect and then be surprised when my children didn’t listen.
Often, when my kids misbehave, it’s because they are tired, hungry, or struggling to express their emotions. Their sassy remarks are simply attempts to assert independence, albeit in less-than-ideal ways. Instead of responding with yelling, I now strive to breathe deeply, assess the situation, and guide them through their feelings. Unfortunately, it’s not always easy; sometimes, I’m just too exhausted to put in the extra effort, a sentiment many parents can relate to.
Recognizing that yelling was more about my emotional state than my children’s actions was eye-opening. For instance, when I feel like screaming after my kids scatter a thousand Legos across the floor right after I cleaned, the frustration stems from my own feelings rather than their behavior. I remind myself to remain calm, evaluate the situation, and direct my children without resorting to yelling. This is often incredibly challenging, as the impulse to raise my voice is deeply ingrained.
Removing yelling from my parenting approach has prompted me to reflect on my triggers and offer myself compassion as I navigate my emotions. I’m learning that I have control and fear issues, and like my children, I sometimes just need to eat or rest. Identifying the feelings that arise when I’m on the verge of yelling is crucial to my success.
Yelling doesn’t define anyone as a bad parent, but choosing a different approach has allowed me to foster relationships with my children that are rooted in respect, trust, and understanding. While I’m far from perfect, I’m dedicated to being the parent my kids need right now—someone who listens more and yells less.
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In summary, my journey away from yelling has been transformative, allowing me to understand my emotional responses better and build healthier relationships with my children.