Parenting
By Lisa Hart
On a sweltering afternoon, the kind that makes you feel like you’re in a sauna, I found myself drenched in sweat despite standing still. My cold shower had only offered a fleeting moment of relief. At 4:30 p.m., the sun continued its relentless onslaught, and I was set to pick up my kids from school before heading to the grocery store. Our pantry was almost bare, making dinner preparation a daunting task.
When I arrived at my daughter’s school, her flushed face and damp hair indicated how uncomfortable she was. “Let’s go swimming!” she exclaimed. Normally, we would have jumped at that idea, especially on such a hot day. “Not today, sweetie. We need to go to the supermarket first; we don’t have anything for dinner tonight.”
That’s when it escalated. Her face twisted with frustration as she stomped away, complaining about the heat and insisting we should swim instead. I suggested, “If you’re hot, how about a cold shower when we get home? It’ll help before we go shopping.” “No!” she yelled. The situation quickly deteriorated as she cried out, “I hate you! You’re so mean! You’re a terrible mom!”
I tried to maintain my composure as we walked to the school gate. I attempted to reason with her, explaining that while I was just as uncomfortable, we had to prioritize dinner. She wasn’t receptive, continuing to retort back. Seeking a quieter spot, I led her further down the road, unsure of how to handle the situation.
In that moment of frustration, I asked, “Rough day at school?” Her expression shifted instantly: “Yeah.” It turned out a classmate had been rude to her, which hurt her feelings. “That’s not nice; I’d be annoyed too,” I empathized. Then she added, “I just wanted to show you my new swimsuit, Mom.” I realized she was excited to share something from her morning swim lesson.
“Of course, I want to see your new swimsuit! But do you understand why we need to go to the supermarket?” “Yes, or we won’t have anything for dinner,” she said, now sounding much calmer. She then proposed, “Can we go to the river tomorrow so I can show you my new swimsuit? And maybe you can fill the tub with cold water so we can cool off while you cook?” I was taken aback by her ability to come up with this solution.
Here’s what I learned:
- When you feel like saying, “It’s not all about you,” remember, it actually is “all about you.”
In the heat of the moment, I was tempted to tell my daughter that the world doesn’t revolve around her. But when I took the time to truly listen and be present with her, it allowed her to move past her anger. As Dr. John Gottman, a renowned expert on relationships and parenting, notes, 95% of problem-solving stems from understanding and empathy. I was amazed she found her own resolution simply by feeling heard.
The phrase “it’s not all about you” also applies to me as a parent. As I wrestled with my daughter’s cheekiness, I felt an overwhelming urge to react harshly. This instinct often stems from our past experiences, as captured in the concept of “ghosts in the nursery,” which refers to unresolved parental emotions that can resurface during challenging moments. Recognizing that “it is actually about me” helps in preventing the cycle of repeating past behaviors.
- Navigating emotional overwhelm
One sunny day, my daughter and son were happily playing at the park. When I informed them it was almost time to go home, my daughter protested, “But you said we were going to the library after!” “I did say that, but we’ve spent too much time here, and I’m sure you’re hungry,” I explained. “No! I want to go to the library!” She kicked her brother, unleashing her frustration on him.
In that moment, I lost my cool. I grabbed her hand, sat her on a bench, and scolded her. “You can’t kick your brother!” I shouted. Realizing how hypocritical my action was, I took a deep breath and sat beside her. I had essentially “flipped my lid,” a term coined by Dr. Dan Siegel, which describes how we can lose our rational thinking during moments of anger or panic. Dr. Gottman reassures parents that everyone has these moments, and it doesn’t equate to being a bad parent.
When my daughter kicked her brother, I felt flooded with anger, which clouded my judgment. I should have stepped back to regain my composure, but it was too late, and my daughter was already hurt.
- The necessity of mending
“I’m sorry I hit you. That wasn’t right,” I said. “It’s okay,” she replied through her tears. “Do you know why Mama got so mad?” I asked. “Because I kicked my brother. But I know it’s wrong, Mom! My head just forgets not to hit or kick,” she admitted, frustrated.
“You know, I think I did the same thing. I got so mad I forgot I shouldn’t hit you. Let’s help each other remember not to hurt others,” I proposed. We acted out a fun gesture to stop ourselves before hitting, which made her laugh.
Repairing our interactions is one of the most valuable lessons we can impart to our children. They learn that mistakes are part of life and that it’s okay to apologize. A parent who embraces imperfections and seeks to mend relationships can be more impactful than one who appears flawless. I’ve found that kids are incredibly forgiving and can sense a parent’s dedication to them. When we returned home, my daughter even created a drawing for me to symbolize her desire to repair our bond.
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In summary, learning to manage emotional responses, practicing empathy, and mending after conflicts are essential techniques for effective parenting. These strategies help foster stronger connections with our children, allowing for growth and understanding in our family dynamics.