I have a confession that might raise a few eyebrows: I genuinely do not enjoy being a stay-at-home mom (SAHM). Reflecting on my journey, I can’t recall what my initial intentions were six and a half years ago when I welcomed my son into the world. Back then, I was a medical professional working with elderly patients in care facilities. I assured my colleagues I would return after a brief four-month maternity leave, but deep down, I harbored doubts. When my son turned three months old, I felt utterly unprepared to care for him, let alone guide someone else in my absence. So, I made the decision to resign, intending to rejoin the workforce when he turned one.
However, life had other plans. Just as I was getting accustomed to the new role of motherhood, I discovered I was pregnant with my daughter when my firstborn was only nine months old. The thought of returning to work for just six months before taking another leave felt unrealistic, so I decided to grant my daughter the same year I had given my son.
Fast forward to my daughter’s first birthday, and it became starkly clear that my son was unlike his peers. His undiagnosed ADHD and sensory processing disorder made him a handful. I genuinely could not take my eyes off him for fear of his safety or that of his sister. During that period, he was an adventurous little boy, climbing counters, playing with electrical outlets, and exploring in ways that made babyproofing a futile effort. My role as his mother extended beyond nurturing; I was his primary safeguard.
As the years passed, my son’s adventurous spirit continued to be a challenge. I felt that trusting anyone else to care for him was out of the question. If he caused trouble at the park, I needed to be there to manage the situation. Caring for two toddlers was overwhelming, and perhaps I was just using my fears as a reason to avoid rejoining the workforce after three and a half years away.
Last year, as my son entered kindergarten, I found life becoming more manageable. However, the years of discontent had taken their toll, and the idea of returning to a job I didn’t love felt unbearable. I had always dreamed of motherhood, yet after significant soul-searching, I realized that being a SAHM was not my calling. It took me six long years to acknowledge that reality. I had believed that parenthood would be fulfilling, yet for me, it didn’t provide the satisfaction I sought.
With a newfound perspective, we made sacrifices to hire a babysitter, and for the first time in years, I had some much-needed support. In the last six months, I have experienced a remarkable shift in my well-being. I recently decided to pursue a lifelong aspiration by applying to schools for a master’s in mental health counseling. Tomorrow marks the beginning of this exciting journey.
Of course, as luck would have it, my babysitter is on vacation for two weeks right as I start school. Luckily, my mother is stepping in to assist with the children while I attend classes. While discussing schedules, she asked, “Will you be home before J [my husband]?” I replied, “No, I’ll be home around 9:30 PM after a board meeting at my volunteer organization.”
“Oh, how are the kids handling this, Emily?” she asked, adopting a tone that suggested she was concerned.
“The kids will be fine. They want me to be happy, and staying home all day didn’t bring me joy. They’ve had my undivided attention for six and a half years; now it’s time for me to focus on my own happiness.”
Her silence spoke volumes; she clearly disagreed but chose not to press the issue. In her eyes, a mother’s primary role is to be present at home, regardless of her happiness. She held the belief that children should be the center of a mother’s world, so why wasn’t I content?
I respectfully disagree. I know I have been there for my children and will continue to be every day. I love them deeply, often sacrificing my own needs to fulfill my role as their parent. But I’ve come to realize that after a few years of this routine, I wasn’t the mother I aspired to be. I felt like a hollow version of myself, merely going through the motions, and I wasn’t fully present.
Being a SAHM, catering to my children’s every whim and managing household tasks left me feeling drained. I dreaded shuttling them from one activity to another and sitting back while they played with peers. I found pretend play monotonous, and I simply didn’t want to beg them to eat their meals anymore.
Admitting this brings forth feelings of guilt and shame, as it makes me question my worth as a mother. Yet, I yearn for days that stimulate me beyond parenting. A happy parent is a better parent, and I know that engaging in activities outside of motherhood enhances the joy I draw from my children.
Tomorrow, I’ll shake up our family routine to pursue something just for me. Some may wonder, “If you didn’t want to care for your kids, why have them?” I acknowledge the selfishness of my choice, but I recognize that my happiness is vital. I remain dedicated to my children, showing them it’s never too late to pursue one’s dreams, all while striving to create a joyful home. I will always be there for them, loving and supporting them, regardless of my own pursuits.
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Summary:
In this personal reflection, Dr. Emily Carter shares her struggles with the role of a stay-at-home mom and her realization that it doesn’t fulfill her. After years of feeling unfulfilled, she embraces the decision to pursue a master’s degree in mental health counseling, highlighting the importance of personal happiness in parenting. This journey emphasizes that being a happy parent can lead to a more nurturing environment for children.