When life is filled with joy, one would expect to bask in that happiness. Yet, I found myself doing the opposite, and I’ve realized I’m not alone in this struggle. The comfort of shared experiences is something anyone grappling with similar emotions should find solace in.
I have a wonderful, supportive partner, two delightful children, a cozy home, nourishing food, and good health. In essence, I have it all. I should be a content person, and for the most part, I am. However, I also grapple with unsettling thoughts that have lingered for years. I’ve kept these feelings to myself, afraid of how others might perceive me. I refer to these thoughts as “intrusions” because they often surface at the worst possible times.
Here’s how they typically unfold:
- I am genuinely fortunate and blessed.
- Something dreadful is about to occur.
I witness sadness and misfortune in the world around me, and despite enjoying my life, I often find myself anticipating disaster. Instead of relishing my blessings, I waited for calamity to strike, convinced that I somehow deserved it. I was, to put it simply, bracing for the inevitable crisis.
One particular New Year’s Day served as a stark reminder of this fear. My family gathered at my parents’ home, and after dinner, I was summoned by my mother in a tone that echoed my childhood warnings. I rushed upstairs to find her on her knees, holding my 2-year-old son, Oliver, whose face revealed a terrifying absence of life. Panic surged through me as I shouted for someone to call 911 while racing towards him.
As I scooped him up, I felt him go limp in my arms. My initial thought: He’s choking. I performed a quick sweep of his mouth, flipped him over, and delivered a few firm pats on his back. Nothing happened. I laid him down and saw his gray skin, the blue of his lips indicating a horrifying reality. Convinced I was losing him, I began CPR. After what felt like an eternity, I was desperate, pleading for him to return to us.
Finally, just as emergency personnel arrived, Oliver blinked his eyes. The sweetest sight I had ever witnessed. He had suffered a febrile seizure due to a rapid spike in fever — something I had never anticipated. Thankfully, he quickly returned to his bubbly self, though I find myself obsessively checking his temperature now, terrified he might spike another fever when I’m not looking.
This incident has left me shaken. The two minutes I spent believing I was losing my son haunt me. However, those flashbacks are gradually becoming less frequent. I’ve learned that life doesn’t operate under the constraints of my fears. Happiness carries no liability; it stands as a state of being. My tendency to expect disaster negated the joy around me. With this sobering reminder of life’s fragility, I vow to cherish my blessings fully.
If you’re navigating similar challenges, consider exploring resources like Resolve for insightful information on family planning, or check out Make a Mom for fertility-boosting supplements. And for more on managing your emotions, you can visit our privacy policy.
Summary
In the face of life’s uncertainties, embracing gratitude can transform our perspective on happiness. This narrative illustrates a personal journey through fear and the importance of recognizing our blessings, especially after a traumatic experience. It encourages readers to cherish joyful moments rather than dwell on potential misfortunes.