In my household, my sons have a collection of toys that can only be described as a mini arsenal. Their stash includes countless swords, blasters, light sabers, and even something they fondly refer to as “pirate swords.” These play weapons are frequently deployed in epic battles, often resulting in a lively exchange of blows—mostly weapon-on-weapon, but occasionally with a misguided swipe at each other’s heads. When my sister-in-law visited recently, her initial delight quickly faded into disbelief as she witnessed this whirlwind of chaotic energy. It didn’t take long for her to start searching for a hotel instead.
“What, did she expect them to sit quietly and color?” I quipped to my husband. “I mean, my brother and I certainly didn’t behave that way. Did she think they’d act like girls?”
I assure you, I have no intention of being sexist. I fully recognize that girls can wield swords, engage in rambunctious play, and even enjoy a good game of football. There’s no requirement for them to wear dresses or play with dolls. I encourage my sons to make their own choices, but the cultural narratives of the 1970s and 80s suggested that since boys and girls could both wear pink or play sports, they were fundamentally the same. This notion—that all differences stemmed from parenting—is simply not accurate.
You might have believed that it was true. I certainly did, and I made a conscious effort to provide my sons with dolls and stuffed animals. Yet, the dolls were rarely given any attention. Instead, they were more often used as makeshift tools for building forts or were carted around by their ankles. Despite having a nurturing father and a loving home, my boys have little interest in caring for pretend babies. My godson exhibits the same behavior, as do nearly every little boy I know—raised in liberal households where gender expression is accepted. These are personal observations, but science backs them up.
As reported by Live Science, many scientists assert that the differences between male and female brains are innate. Diane Halpern, a psychology professor at Claremont McKenna College and a leading researcher in gender cognition for over 25 years, states, “We do socialize our boys and girls differently, but the contribution of biology is not zero.” Research indicates that male brains tend to be wired for motor skills (which we parents often label as “roughhousing”), while female brains may excel in analytical and intuitive thinking, beneficial for activities like drawing.
This doesn’t imply that boys can’t be talented artists; my three-year-old can spend hours drawing. Nor does it mean that girls are incapable of rough play—after all, I once broke my sister’s finger in a playful scuffle when I was eight. However, these tendencies do generally influence children’s behavior.
Further studies highlight that women often demonstrate superior verbal memory and social cognition, while men typically have more advanced motor and spatial skills. This pattern explains why boys might be slower to develop verbal skills, while girls often emerge as the chatterboxes of the group. Every parent has observed the little girl who won’t stop talking and the boy who communicates with grunts. My sons have certainly gone through those phases.
Moreover, girls have shown to be better at interpreting emotions. According to research compiled by What to Expect, girls excel at reading facial expressions, which may contribute to the perception that they are better behaved than boys. They tend to pick up on caregivers’ emotions more effectively, leading them to follow instructions more closely. In contrast, boys may miss these emotional cues, resulting in a disconnect with authority. Of course, these are generalizations—there are many exceptions, and I’ve seen girls who are just as unruly as boys. However, research indicates that girls tend to outperform boys socially and academically at every grade level, which can be attributed to both socialization and biological factors.
Yes, we do tend to parent boys and girls differently. We might hand a boy a football while offering a girl a doll. But at the end of the day, little boys and girls have innate biological differences shaping their preferences. My sons gravitate toward shows like Dinotrux and Dinosaur Train rather than My Little Pony. It’s not for lack of effort on my part; they simply have no interest. They are more inclined to engage in physical play than creative expression. Initially, I thought perhaps I’d failed them in some way, but it turns out biology plays a significant role.
Progressive, socially aware parents can breathe a sigh of relief if their sons choose to use dolls as projectiles and their daughters tuck their toy trucks into bed. We can provide them with a range of toys, from swords to princess costumes, but more often than not, boys will favor the swords while girls will lean toward the dresses. It’s all part of the biological differences that exist—and that’s perfectly acceptable.
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Summary:
This article discusses the biological differences between boys and girls while embracing a progressive approach to parenting. It emphasizes that while socialization plays a role, innate differences in brain wiring and tendencies shape how children play and interact. The author reassures parents that these differences are natural and should not be a source of guilt.