We need to have a serious discussion.
I understand that you’re navigating some crucial developmental stages, but I have a few concerns about your recent behaviors that we should address.
Just last night, you managed to remove your diaper with such enthusiasm that a piece of poop flew across the room and landed right on my chest. I won’t lie; that was quite shocking, and I’m still trying to figure out how that even occurred. While I get it—you want to assert your independence—I have never thrown poop at you, so I think it’s reasonable to ask for that to not happen again.
Tantrums and Independence
Speaking of surprising behaviors, your tantrums are a bit alarming. It seems like you might be experiencing what I like to call PMS: Preschool Meltdown Syndrome. I assure you, I didn’t just invent that term.
I know being a toddler can be frustrating, but collapsing on the floor—like a bowl of Jell-O—every time something doesn’t go your way is unnecessary. I apologize for not allowing you to play in the oven. I know, I’m the worst. But perhaps when you’re a bit older!
As much as I’d appreciate a break from cooking, living on fruit snacks and massive cheese chunks is not an option. If you did, let’s be real—you wouldn’t be able to poop, and then what would you throw at me? Just something to ponder.
Sleep Habits
Now, let’s discuss your sleep habits—you’ve been less than stellar at it. There’s really no need to swap stuffed animals at 3 a.m. They don’t have feelings, being stuffed and all. I, however, do have feelings, and when you refuse to return to bed at that hour, I primarily feel frustration.
Pants and Public Outings
And then there’s the issue of pants—or rather, the lack thereof. Trust me, I don’t enjoy wearing pants either, but they are a must when we venture out into public. I’d like to eliminate any future debates about pants; it’s a non-negotiable. At home, feel free to roam around like the free spirit you are. I’ll even cheer you on at your no-pants party!
Screen Time
Lastly, while I’m usually pretty lenient about screen time, your current binge-watching habits are testing my patience. Seventeen consecutive episodes of Paw Patrol? That’s a bit much. Adventure Bay can’t possibly have any more emergencies left; those pups are just showing off.
So, my dear child, we need to make some adjustments. Perhaps we can negotiate this over a game of Hungry, Hungry Hippos? You can choose the blue one, switch to yellow, and then ultimately end up playing with the orange hippo. Whatever we decide, we need to make a change.
I love you dearly, but I can’t keep peeling you off the floor or dragging you out of restaurants while you scream because your juice was “too juicy.” Let’s work together on this!
Eagerly awaiting your thoughts,
Dr. Emily
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Summary
A whimsical yet serious letter from a doctor to a toddler discussing behavior issues like tantrums, sleep disruptions, clothing preferences, and screen time, emphasizing the need for cooperation and adjustments in their daily routines.