I’ve made my feelings clear on more than one occasion—whether to friends, family, or even on social media: I’ve decided that my days of having children are over. Completely. 100% finished. The baby-making chapter of my life is closed; I’ve locked the door on that part of my journey.
Life at 38: The Reality of Motherhood
At 38 years old, labeled as “advanced maternal age,” I’m the mother of two boys who kept me awake at night until they were well past three. The thought of enduring another round of sleepless nights as I approach 40 is simply unimaginable. Just, no thank you.
Pregnancy has never been a breeze for me. I experience intense discomfort due to my abdominal ligaments, and walking for any distance feels like torture. To add to that, my short torso leads to persistent heartburn, and during my last pregnancy, I could hardly breathe after standing for just a minute or two.
The Financial Barrier
Yet, the most significant barrier to having another baby is financial. Our early years of parenthood were riddled with financial challenges, and we’re just now beginning to stabilize. With both boys in school, I can finally work without incurring exorbitant childcare expenses.
If I were to win the lottery and could afford to be a stay-at-home mom with reliable childcare for those much-needed naps, I might consider having another child. But reality check: that’s not happening. It wouldn’t be wise for our family to plunge back into financial chaos or for me to endure more years of sleep deprivation.
The Yearning for a Baby
That said, I still occasionally yearn for a baby. I’ll admit it—I adore babies. Whenever I see a baby picture of my boys or anyone’s little one, my heart melts. I find myself calculating how much I would need to save for a decent maternity leave (since I’m a freelancer, I lack employer support) and thinking about how to arrange for a fantastic babysitter.
I even catch myself bargaining with fate, wishing for a good sleeper, a smooth pregnancy, and a swift delivery. Sometimes, I dream about moving in with my mother-in-law to save money and let “the village” help raise my children. Then I realize I’ve ventured into fantasy land.
Understanding My Feelings
I often question why I spiral into these thoughts if I’m so convinced that having another child isn’t the right choice for our family. Shouldn’t I just let it go?
Perhaps I need to show myself a bit more compassion. Life is rarely straightforward, and it’s entirely normal to have conflicting desires. It’s okay to grapple with feelings that can’t be fulfilled.
Shared Struggles
Many families face similar struggles. We may want children we can’t have for various reasons. Conflicts can arise with partners, and while some of us might feel settled in our decisions, we may later question them.
For me, I’ve accepted that this internal conflict may persist until my reproductive years are behind me. The “what-ifs” will likely linger, and a part of me will always long for that additional child, no matter how unrealistic it seems.
Finding Contentment
Yet, despite the occasional overwhelming feelings, most of the time, I’m content with my decision. I cherish watching my boys grow more independent and witnessing their achievements. They still need me in their own unique ways, keeping me connected to my role as a mother.
I know our family is where it’s meant to be, and for that, I’m grateful. In moments of doubt, I’ll strive to accept them as part of this beautiful, chaotic experience of motherhood.
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Conclusion
In summary, while the decision to stop having more children comes with its own set of emotional challenges, embracing those feelings as part of the journey makes it all a little easier.