Since 2011, my partner and I have been on a challenging journey toward parenthood—a journey filled with profound losses that I never anticipated when we first decided to grow our family six years ago. People often ask how we maintain our resolve in the face of such heart-wrenching experiences. How do we continue to nurture hope amid such tragedy?
As we close the chapter on 2016 and step into 2017, I find myself deeply reflecting on the essence of hope—the kind that motivates us to take action and strive for change. Many of us are yearning for that very hope as we navigate this unpredictable new year.
So, my resolution for 2017 is to embrace a fighting spirit of hope:
Two and a half years ago, my partner and I left the hospital the day after giving birth to our son. Unlike typical discharge stories filled with excitement and joy, our ride home was shrouded in silence and sorrow. Our son had been stillborn due to a rare congenital condition. While the compassionate staff encouraged us to stay as long as we needed, I worried that if we didn’t leave, I might never leave.
The journey home was agonizing, exacerbated by the rush-hour traffic in Boston. I closed my eyes, unable to comprehend the normalcy surrounding me. How could others carry on with their lives while we were engulfed in such despair?
A few months ago, we boarded a flight home to Boston from Kansas, once again anticipating the arrival of our newborn. I had every infant carrier imaginable and envisioned the flight attendants marveling at our baby’s tiny fingers. However, the mother who had chosen us to adopt her child decided to parent him herself just before his birth.
Once more, we returned to our quiet home, staring at the nursery we had prepared. I donned my headphones, yet played no music, resting my head on my partner’s shoulder, wishing for silence. I didn’t want pretzels or cookies—how could anyone ask such trivial questions?
These two solitary trips home marked the end of an arduous journey filled with IVF cycles, miscarriages, and challenging decisions. Yet, we persist in our pursuit of hope.
Hope is not just a noun or a verb; it is a complex interplay of both. As a noun, hope can feel abstract; ask ten different people what it means, and you’ll likely get ten different answers, often referring to trust or faith. This kind of hope can be elusive, particularly for those of us who prefer concrete realities.
When expressed as a verb, hope can seem passive. Hoping it won’t rain or that your children sleep well feels like a surrender to fate. This type of hope breeds frustration; if your day turns sour due to circumstances beyond your control, it leads to disappointment.
To me, hope and the will to fight are intertwined. Hope without action becomes wishful thinking; fighting without hope leads to exhaustion. However, fighting alongside hope means believing in a better future and being willing to endure more pain to achieve it.
Interestingly, both the loss of our son and the failed adoption transpired over a similar timeframe—about two years apart. Our son was diagnosed with a terminal condition early in my pregnancy and passed away 100 days later. For those days, we cherished and cared for a child we knew we wouldn’t raise.
Remarkably, the same timeframe applied to our adoption journey; we loved a child we ultimately would never meet, only to have that dream vanish abruptly.
During crises, living day by day is crucial, but when major decisions loom, it becomes essential to broaden our perspective. My partner and I are in our 30s, with the potential for 20,000 more days ahead of us. The thought of living those days without a family feels heavier than the pain we’ve endured. Thus, we continue to fight for the hope of becoming parents, relying on family, friends, and faith to guide us through the tough moments.
This fighting hope—rooted in perspective—is what I intend to embody in 2017.
In the aftermath of the election, I came across a compelling essay by Junot Díaz in The New Yorker that resonated deeply. He articulated the necessity of hope alongside action, referring to it as “radical hope.” This concept transcends mere optimism, emphasizing flexibility and imagination in envisioning a future beyond our current understanding. Even in despair, radical hope can be our strongest ally, allowing us to envision survival amidst turmoil.
This perspective applies not just to parenting but to every aspect of life where we wish for a better future. As we embrace 2017, let’s hold tight to our ambitious goals, even in the face of adversity, and fight with radical hope to achieve them. There have been moments when despair felt justified, yet we have emerged on the other side, refusing to abandon our hope.
Here’s to 2017—a year where we collectively fight for hope.
Summary:
This article reflects on the journey of hope and resilience in the face of personal loss and the struggle to become parents through various challenges. The author emphasizes the importance of fighting alongside hope, advocating for a proactive approach to achieving dreams, especially in uncertain times.