During a recent visit to our neighborhood grocery store, my 5-year-old son, Jake, spotted a bag of chocolate-covered almonds. When he eagerly asked if we could buy them as a treat, I agreed.
“Do I have to share?” he questioned, visibly anxious.
I sighed. Jake has always found sharing to be quite the challenge. He was the toddler who would clutch his toys tightly when other kids approached. Whenever a friend visits, he often hides away his favorite action figures rather than risk taking turns. Even at breakfast, he worries about having to share the red frisbee during playtime at school.
It’s not that he doesn’t understand the concept of sharing. His experiences in preschool, playdates, and now kindergarten have repeatedly emphasized the importance of taking turns and the idea that “sharing is caring.” Yet, it remains a significant hurdle for him. Letting go of any item, whether it’s a toy or a treat, is not an easy task. I often try to highlight the positives of sharing, with kindness being the most crucial reason, but I frequently find myself coaxing or even bribing him to part with his belongings. This often happens in front of other adults, making me feel judged when Jake refuses to share.
That feeling of judgment can make me want to assert my authority as a parent and demand that he shares, threatening consequences if he doesn’t. When he does share, it feels like a win for me, as if I’ve mastered parenting. However, forcing him to share would mainly serve my need for validation, not his. Research suggests that our possessions are extensions of our identities, so it’s understandable that children resist parting with items they feel represent them. As adults, we wouldn’t dream of surrendering our prized possessions simply because someone asked. Imagine sitting in a café, scrolling through your phone, when a stranger demands it. You’d likely be incredulous, maybe even call for help. Yet, we expect our little ones to comply without hesitation, and we’re surprised when they don’t.
This led me to ponder whether there was something wrong with Jake. Why does he resist sharing? Is he lacking empathy? I’ve witnessed him being gentle with pets and rushing to assist a friend in need, yet he struggles with the act of sharing. Being the youngest in our family, many of his belongings are hand-me-downs, which might contribute to his reluctance. I understand the anxiety that arises when faced with unplanned demands; perhaps he inherited that trait from me.
Whatever the reason, Jake’s challenges with sharing don’t define him. While it may never come easily, I don’t believe sharing is the ultimate goal. Instead, I prioritize teaching him about kindness, empathy, and the impact of his actions on others. I want him to share because he wants to, not simply because I or another adult insists or because another child is upset. It’s about fostering that genuine feeling of generosity, where giving becomes fulfilling for both parties involved.
Looking at Jake’s concerned expression, I know he’s grappling with the thought of sharing some of the almonds with his older sisters. I choose not to force him, but instead, I gently guide him toward a kind decision.
“No, you don’t have to share,” I say. “But your sisters would be really happy if you did.”
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In summary, while sharing may not come naturally to every child, fostering an environment that encourages kindness and empathy is far more important than simply enforcing the act of sharing. By allowing children to make their own choices about sharing, we help them develop a genuine desire to be generous.