A picture can convey a thousand emotions, or can it? This particular image was captured not long ago, radiating words like joy, confidence, and hope. Yet, if you scrutinize it closely, you might sense the underlying truth: this image is an illusion. I am unwell—truly unwell.
I am grappling with depression. There, I’ve put it out into the universe.
For several months, I’ve been fighting this battle, and as the holiday season approaches, the weight of my sadness seems to magnify. I feel like I’m at the end of my rope. Today, I’m taking a significant step by exposing my true self, shedding the layers that conceal my struggle. Depression is often misunderstood; it can manifest in ways that appear perfectly ordinary.
Writing serves as my outlet. People have long said I have a knack for expressing myself when I put pen to paper. But what compels me to discuss depression? On the surface, my life seems enviable: a loving family, a thriving career, and countless blessings. I should be reveling in the peak of my existence. Yet, I find myself spiraling deeper into despair. Behind the mask of a successful doctor, a mother, and a friend lies a tangled web of emotions.
The Facade of Happiness
Social media often creates an illusion of happiness. I can effortlessly craft an image that showcases a woman reveling in her life, only to feel an immediate shift in my mood once the camera is off.
I’m deceiving myself.
The cheerful moments shared online represent just a fraction of my reality. I don’t share images of myself curled up in bed, paralyzed by fear. I don’t post videos of the tears that flow for hours or the heated arguments with my partner, often instigated by me. I prefer to hide the true nature of my life behind a carefully curated façade, presenting a version of myself that feels acceptable to the world.
The Quiet Struggle
It’s all too easy to cloak my struggles in the guise of a reserved personality. I often fade into the background. The thought of being in the spotlight is overwhelming. I grapple with the anxiety of social gatherings and need to mentally prepare before venturing out. Yet, in the digital realm, I exude energy and positivity. I have followers who eagerly await my updates on parenting and daily life, craving the perception of joy and lightness that I project.
The truth? I’m terrified.
This year has brought heartache, leading me to retreat from connections that once brought me joy. Friendships have faltered, and as I navigate my thirties, forging new relationships feels daunting. Perhaps it’s the weight of adult expectations or the fear of vulnerability. I hesitate to let anyone in, fearing the pain of disappointment. It’s easier to maintain an illusion of well-being, offering polite smiles and small talk while keeping my emotional distance.
The Good Mother Myth
“You’re such a wonderful mom.” Yes, my children are beautiful, kind, and I cherish my role as their mother. But there’s a side you don’t see. I’m often short-tempered, raising my voice without clear cause. I find myself overwhelmed by the demands of motherhood, struggling with tasks that once felt manageable. My home is chaotic, and the pressures of daily life feel insurmountable. Depression infiltrates every aspect of my existence, turning simple tasks into monumental challenges.
I feel like a failure.
This year, I experienced a miscarriage—a deeply personal loss I kept largely hidden due to the shame I felt as a mother. The grief of losing a child I didn’t even know I wanted weighs heavily on my heart. How can I call myself a good mother when I feel I’ve let this child down?
The Illusion of Success
As an independent practitioner, I control my schedule and have built my practice from the ground up. I’m on track for my best financial year yet, traveling, networking, and pushing past my comfort zones. Yet, beneath this success lies a profound sense of isolation.
I’m overwhelmed and exhausted, burying myself in work to escape the feelings of loneliness. I convince myself that by striving harder, I can find happiness and connection again. However, the truth is that achievements feel hollow without someone to share them with.
The Family I Long for
This loneliness seeps into my family life, too. I often prioritize work over the emotional connections that nurture our family. I find myself turning down opportunities for closeness, opting instead for the sterile comfort of tasks and deadlines. Why engage with my loved ones when I can manage cold emails and structured interactions?
I have created a rift in my home.
My partner worries for my well-being, and my children witness my emotional struggles too frequently. I swing between anger and despair, creating turmoil in the hearts of those I love the most. In an attempt to protect them, I isolate myself further, convincing myself it’s better this way. I’ve distanced myself to the point that I feel I’ve forgotten how to simply enjoy their presence.
The Search for Confidence
I maintain an outward appearance of confidence, adorned in the latest styles, hair perfectly coiffed, and a smile ready for the camera. But regardless of how I present myself, that confidence is merely skin-deep.
My faith has been shaken.
I no longer embody the strong, reliable figure my friends once counted on. Instead, I find myself seeking solace in spirituality, questioning my beliefs and seeking clarity. I’m reading, praying fervently, and asking, “Why?” I anxiously await the next chapter of my life, wondering if a happy ending lies ahead. While I know I’m loved, I grapple with the conditions surrounding that love. I know heaven exists, but I question my path there. I believe in my Savior, but I wonder if He can truly rescue me from my own despair. “What is Your plan for me?” My prayers are tinged with anger and desperation.
Before You Judge…
Let me clarify: I didn’t pen this article seeking sympathy or answers. I wrote it for anyone facing similar struggles this holiday season. You are not alone. Depression is a genuine, debilitating condition that often feels more suffocating during this time of year. While I may feel trapped, I want you to know that I’m here with you. I understand the weight of sadness and the uncertainty of recovery. You may question if you’ll ever feel whole again, but I see you, and I love you just as you are. We are all imperfect beings, and right now, many of us feel more broken than ever.
The takeaway? Depression can manifest in countless ways. We often present a curated image to the world, even when our internal reality feels bleak. I lack the answers and often feel paralyzed by the need for change. I know I need help, but asking for it feels daunting. I recognize my struggles but am unsure how to confront them. I need to re-engage with life, yet each step feels monumental. I worry about the consequences of sharing my story. But I did it. Therapy? Yes, I’m considering it. Life-changing? I hope so. Regardless, it’s a step forward.
This holiday season, let’s be more attuned to those around us. Depression can be lurking just beneath the surface, unnoticed. Be present, listen, and show love.
If you’re experiencing depression, know that I’m with you. I empathize with your journey. You are not alone. For more guidance, you can explore this excellent resource on home insemination and pregnancy.
In summary, I encourage everyone to approach this season with compassion and awareness, recognizing that behind every smiling face, there may be a hidden struggle.