Sometimes, what begins as a trivial disagreement—like whose turn it is to handle the dishes—can escalate into a full-blown conflict that leaves both parties feeling hurt and confused. It’s all too easy to lose track of the original issue when emotions run high. My friend Sarah often reminds me, “It’s not just what you say, but how you say it.” A slight shift in wording can mean the difference between a productive conversation and a defensive standoff.
Renowned psychologist Dr. Marshall Rosenberg has dedicated his career to exploring how we can communicate in ways that minimize conflict and enhance our relationships. From his acclaimed book, Nonviolent Communication, here are three phrases you should steer clear of during arguments, along with healthier alternatives.
1. “The problem with you is that you’re … (lazy, selfish, an idiot).”
It’s easy to fall into the trap of labeling others. We often resort to name-calling when we feel frustrated. For example, if your partner is not helping out, you might think they’re “irresponsible.” But this kind of moralistic judgment only fuels conflict, making the other person defensive. Instead of saying, “The problem with you is that you’re lazy,” try expressing what you truly need. For instance, “I feel overwhelmed and could really use some help with the chores.” This approach focuses on your needs rather than placing blame.
2. “You make me feel … (sad, angry, unappreciated).”
It’s common to attribute our feelings to someone else’s actions, but this can be misleading. Saying, “You make me feel sad” implies that your emotions are entirely their fault. In reality, our feelings stem from our own interpretations and desires. Rather than placing blame, consider saying, “When I feel ignored, I realize that I have a desire for connection.” This ownership of your feelings fosters healthier communication.
3. “You should … (do the dishes, listen to me more, stop saying ‘you should’).”
When we feel our needs aren’t being met, it’s easy to slip into “should” language. Statements like “You should help out more” can come off as critical and demanding, which doesn’t encourage cooperation. Instead, express your needs as requests: “If you could pitch in with the dishes, it would help me feel more supported.” This approach invites collaboration rather than resentment.
What to Say Instead
When tempers flare, it’s crucial to shift our focus from blaming others to understanding our own feelings and needs. Dr. Rosenberg recommends a four-step communication model to guide you:
- Observe without judgment: “It’s been a few days since the dishes were done.” (Avoid saying “You’re so lazy!”)
- Express your feelings: “When I handle all the chores alone, I feel overwhelmed.” (Instead of “You make me feel unsupported.”)
- Identify your needs: “I would really appreciate more support around the house.” (Rather than “You don’t support me.”)
- Make a request, not a demand: “Could you please help out with the cleaning?” (Avoid saying “You should help more.”)
Of course, it’s easier said than done to avoid these common pitfalls. When emotions are running high, it’s tempting to lash out without thinking. The first step to more effective communication is to pause—take a deep breath and think before you speak.
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In summary, by being mindful of our language and focusing on our own feelings and desires, we can foster healthier and more constructive conversations.
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