As parents, we often grapple with the uncertainty of how our children will turn out. Despite our best efforts—instilling values of kindness and responsibility, providing opportunities, and modeling good behavior—there remains a chance that one of our kids may stray from the path we envision. As a father of two, this thought is deeply unsettling. I want nothing more than for my children to grow into compassionate, successful individuals. My ultimate hope is that they surpass my own achievements. But if they don’t, what does that say about my role as a parent?
In my work as a physician, I frequently discuss the concept of Stephen Covey’s Circle of Concern and Circle of Influence. The Circle of Concern encompasses various worries we may have, such as health issues, the wellbeing of our children, workplace challenges, and societal conflicts. In contrast, the Circle of Influence refers to those matters we can actively affect.
The goal of this framework is to encourage individuals to focus on what they can control to alleviate anxiety about their concerns. For instance, while we cannot alter the weather, we can choose to carry an umbrella. Similarly, we cannot change a difficult professor, but we can seek alternative resources like textbooks or study groups.
When I reflect on my greatest concern as a parent—what kind of people my children will become—I realize how limited my control truly is. While it may seem that we have significant influence over our kids, they are unique individuals with their own destinies. This can be challenging to accept. It’s not that I aim to micromanage their lives; rather, I fear that if they don’t meet the potential I see in them, I will inevitably feel responsible. I know I’ll replay my parenting choices in my mind, searching for mistakes and feeling guilt. That’s not a place I want to be, for either of us.
Thus, I’ve decided to concentrate on my Circle of Influence. The reality is that the only person I can truly control is myself. I can set an example as a father, impart valuable lessons, engage positively with my children, and model respect and empathy in my interactions. I can demonstrate my values through my actions, from how I treat my spouse to how I discuss societal issues. I can emphasize the importance of education, personal passions, and moral integrity.
In today’s world, children are bombarded with both positive and negative influences. They will eventually engage with social media, select political affiliations, and form their own opinions. While I cannot control external factors or peer pressure, I can establish a strong foundation within our home. It’s essential for me to communicate openly about the kind of individuals I hope they will become.
Ultimately, parenting is about action. It requires living in a way that exemplifies the values I wish to instill. This isn’t a simple task; our actions significantly shape how our children perceive and internalize these lessons. We must be transparent about our aspirations for them and consistently reinforce these ideals throughout their formative years.
Many of you are likely doing just that—guiding your children toward a meaningful future by demonstrating love and compassion. If you’re actively engaging in your Circle of Influence, you’re on the right path. This effort is crucial for helping your children reach their potential.
As my children grow and face new challenges—perhaps even becoming rebellious teenagers—I know my perspective may shift. However, I hold on to the belief that every parent desires to feel confident in the efforts made to raise their children well.
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In conclusion, while we may not control everything about our children’s future, we can certainly cultivate an environment that nurtures their growth and development.