If only I could wrap my arms around you and offer a comforting embrace. Your life has become unrecognizable, and the innocence of your childhood has been shattered. You’ve experienced something so deeply violating, something that should never happen to a child, not once but multiple times. The confusion and fear you carry are palpable.
I see you returning home that day, overwhelmed and frightened. It pains me to think that you felt unable to share this with your parents. No child should have to shoulder such a burden alone. I often reflect on how our mother failed you in that moment; she should have been your safe haven.
There must have been a reason you felt you couldn’t confide in her about such a traumatic event. As a mother now, I can’t fathom a scenario where my child wouldn’t feel secure enough to share their deepest fears with me. That day marked the start of a tumultuous journey for you, one that would haunt your childhood. The sleepless night that followed, filled with thoughts of what had transpired and questions about whether it was normal for someone calling himself a “doctor” to touch you like that in such a dark, damp place, only compounded your distress. Why did he threaten you if you dared to speak out?
You didn’t understand what was happening. How could you? The concept of sex was alien to you, but the pit in your stomach and the burning sensation you felt made it evident that something was terribly wrong. My heart aches for you, knowing you were all alone, grappling with something so overwhelming, with no one there to tell you that it wasn’t your fault. I wish I could sit beside you, smoothing your hair, enclosing you in a protective hug, giving you the reassurance you desperately needed.
Since you couldn’t express your pain, it manifested in other ways. I wish I could make our mother see your actions for what they truly were — a desperate plea for help. Instead of nurturing support, you faced punishments and harsh words, sometimes even physical discipline.
Fate, it seems, had more trials in store for you. Not long after, another person who was supposed to love and protect you betrayed that trust. Whatever remnants of your faith in humanity remained were stripped away. Did he understand the lasting impact of his actions?
After that moment, you found yourself replaying the events and wondering if this was typical behavior for fathers. I wish I could tell you that no, not all fathers act this way; he was gravely wrong.
At just 12, while others your age were preoccupied with everyday interests, you became consumed with learning about the very thing that had caused you so much pain. In a world where discussions about sex were taboo, you turned to books seeking answers, desperate for knowledge that should have come from a healthy source. I’m so sorry that this was your only option.
Dear younger self, I’m here to tell you what you needed to hear long ago. You are blameless. Your bravery astounds me; you persevered despite everything. As a mother, I feel immense pride in your strength, in your ability to keep moving forward. I’m wrapping my arms around you tightly, whispering that everything will be okay, because there was no one there to tell you that then.
I apologize for those who should have been there for you, especially our mother, who should have seen the signs and provided the love, care, and acknowledgment you deserved.
You should feel proud of yourself. You’ve continued to stand tall, refusing to let your past define you. You sought help when you needed it, help that was long overdue. The family you’ve created is a testament to your resilience.
It breaks my heart that your son faced similar challenges, but I admire how he trusted you enough to share his experience and how you responded with love and understanding. I only wish you had the nurturing support you provide him.
May these words help you in your healing journey and allow you to free yourself from the chains of your past. I tried to give you the reassurances you deserved. I recognize it won’t erase the pain, but I hope it offers some solace.
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Summary
The author reflects on the painful experiences of their younger self, addressing feelings of confusion, fear, and betrayal following sexual abuse. They express a deep desire to provide comfort and understanding, acknowledging the resilience it took to move forward and the importance of seeking help. The narrative emphasizes the need for compassion and support for those who have suffered similar traumas, while also celebrating the strength found in healing and building a loving family.