Writing about grief feels overwhelming, as it forces me to confront a deep and emotional truth. Acknowledging that I have been in mourning for over three years is daunting. The loss I experienced is profound, and it often makes me want to retreat, perhaps binge-watch a series on television with a glass of wine in hand.
My mother, whom I affectionately called Mimi, was not just my mom; she was my anchor. I lost her last summer, a loss that has left a significant void in my life.
From the moment my mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, I found myself immersed in anticipatory grief. The day she received her diagnosis coincided with my announcement of a twin pregnancy, marking the beginning of our intertwined journeys. While she faced the harrowing loss of her reproductive system, I was blessed to bring two beautiful daughters into the world. This connection was never lost on me.
As I navigated my own stages of grief, I also had to be fully present for my children during the demanding early years of motherhood. Juggling breastfeeding, sleep training, and temper tantrums while grappling with my emotions was no easy feat. My daughters, now energetic preschoolers, are remarkably perceptive; they sense when something is off. So, how does one parent effectively while grappling with profound loss? This question has been one of the most challenging yet enlightening aspects of my journey.
Here are three insights I’ve gained along the way:
- Set the Emotional Tone
As mothers, we often set the emotional atmosphere of our homes. This doesn’t mean we have to be perfect; it means we must be authentic. By naming my emotions and expressing them honestly, I have been able to navigate the immense feelings surrounding my mother’s illness and passing. My daughters frequently inquire, “Are you happy or sad?” I embrace the opportunity to share my sadness. When they offer hugs and kisses, I acknowledge how much that helps me feel better. However, it’s also crucial to recognize that when I am struggling, my children often need my attention the most. I have learned to lean on my support system for help, whether that means arranging playdates or seeking assistance with school pickups. During these times, I practice “good enough” parenting, allowing for more screen time and letting them explore parks while I take a moment to breathe. After all, by caring for my emotional well-being, I can better support my daughters as they navigate their own feelings. - A Legacy That Endures
I’ve found great comfort in my mother’s wisdom, captured in late-night texts, old emails, and family mantras. I’ve kept a small notebook filled with these reminders, helping me stay grounded and connected to the legacy she left behind. Phrases like “love is a verb” and “feelings are facts” will resonate with my daughters for years to come. While her physical presence may be gone, her influence on my children is permanent. To further honor her memory, I created a digital storybook titled The Adventures of GranMimi, chronicling her special moments with my twins. This serves as a cherished reminder for both them and me. I often reflect on the bittersweet reality that no amount of time would ever feel sufficient. Whether I had five minutes or fifty years with her, I would always feel robbed of more, but I also choose to celebrate the time we had. - Understanding Grief’s Waves
Months have passed since my mother’s death, yet her memory remains a frequent topic of conversation with my 3-year-olds. They express sentiments ranging from “Mommy, if you want to see your mommy, you have to die too,” to “I miss her,” and even “Mimi lives in our hearts.” I once consulted a wonderful grief counselor who described how children experience grief in “puddles.” One moment they may be sad, and the next, they are happily engaged in a new activity. When I explained my mother’s passing to them, I was prepared for a flood of tears. Instead, they listened, hugged me, and quickly moved on with their day. I find myself grieving in similar bursts—oscillating between laughter and sorrow. As time progresses, I embrace the idea that the depth of my grief reflects the depth of my love. I welcome these emotional “puddles.”
Ultimately, what I’ve learned is that we never truly “move on” from grief; we simply learn to manage it. There is a parallel to motherhood—one never fully overcomes the exhaustion, anxiety, or overwhelm. We adapt, develop coping strategies, and begin anew each day. For me, mothering through grief involves embracing the messiness of the human experience. It is a blend of sadness and beauty. By modeling healthy emotional processing and discussing the enduring legacy of their remarkable GranMimi, I hope my daughters and I can navigate these emotional puddles together.
For more insights on navigating challenges like this, you can explore our post on managing emotions during difficult times here. If you’re interested in understanding fertility journeys, visit Make a Mom, a reliable source on the topic. Additionally, for those seeking information on donor insemination, check out this excellent resource from the American Pregnancy Association here.
In summary, navigating grief as a mother requires us to acknowledge our emotions, honor our loved ones’ legacies, and recognize that grief comes in waves. By doing so, we can create a nurturing environment for our children, even amidst our own struggles.