“Be a man.” “Stop being soft.” “Don’t cry.” “You’re too attached to your mom.” These statements echo in our society and they trouble me deeply. My goal is to raise resilient, compassionate sons who grow into confident men. This confidence, to me, includes being secure in their identities, openly expressing their emotions whether they’re sad, scared, or ecstatic, and not feeling the need to wear a facade that society expects of them.
Telling my sons to “toughen up” is no different from telling my daughters to “act like a lady.” Here’s why that mindset is outdated:
Feelings Are Personal
No one else can dictate how a boy should feel—only he can do that. I never want my sons to feel they must suppress their emotions. Sadness, grief, guilt, and remorse are all part of the human experience. If we teach our boys to ignore these feelings, we inadvertently suggest they aren’t worthy of experiencing them. This leads to feelings of shame and ultimately manifests as frustration and anger.
Empathy and Strength Can Coexist
Boys can be both tough and sensitive. They can shed tears when they’re hurt and celebrate joyfully when they’re happy. It’s crucial that they understand being stoic is not synonymous with being a man. Hiding one’s true self under the guise of masculinity benefits no one.
Being strong doesn’t mean repressing emotions; it means being brave enough to express them. How disheartening it must be to need support but feel unable to seek it because “real men don’t ask for help.” This mentality sets them up for emotional struggles later in life. I won’t accept that my sons should feel they have to hide their genuine selves to fit a mold.
The Impact on Girls
Using phrases like “man up” in the presence of women sends an unfortunate message about female strength. It implies women are weaker and can’t handle adversity. We must teach both boys and girls that strength and vulnerability are not mutually exclusive.
As boys grow, they’re often discouraged from showing emotions or exploring interests that society deems “feminine.” They receive messages that they should be all-knowing and in control at all times, which is simply not realistic. True manhood is about managing one’s feelings responsibly and facing discomfort with grace.
Many of the older generations may hold these outdated views because they grew up in a time when emotions were seen as weaknesses. While they may not know better, I do. I want my sons to have a different experience. I refuse to tell them to “suck it up” or “man up.” My role as a parent is to help them embrace their true selves without fear of judgment.
I will engage my sons in conversations about their feelings just as I do with my daughter, even if they initially resist. Ignoring their emotional needs will only lead them to feel inadequate in their masculinity.
There is immense strength in being able to articulate one’s feelings. Ultimately, my aim is to nurture strong, confident children, regardless of gender.
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Summary
I believe in raising my sons to embrace their emotions rather than suppress them. The phrases we often hear can be harmful and promote a narrow view of masculinity. It’s essential to foster an environment where feelings are recognized and accepted, allowing boys to grow into well-rounded, confident individuals.