As I approach the final stretch of pregnancy, I can’t help but roll my eyes at those who claim to absolutely adore this experience. It’s hard to tell if they’re being disingenuous or just blissfully unaware, but I find it difficult to trust them. There must be some kind of biological mechanism that erases the unpleasant memories of pregnancy; otherwise, humanity might just be in trouble. With only a month left to go, I’m struggling to keep my spirits up, especially since I can’t indulge in a cocktail to ease the discomfort. So if you happen to be around someone who’s very pregnant, here are a few things to keep in mind. Be kind, and maybe treat them to a donut or two.
1. My Breasts Have Made It Abundantly Clear
My breasts have made it abundantly clear that they have no intention of returning to their former selves. On average, a woman can gain about three pounds in breast weight during pregnancy. One side has taken the lead while the other is taking me back to my awkward middle school days. The only way I can find a somewhat fitting bra is to Frankenstein two together. If you see me leaning to one side, now you know why—gravity is not my friend.
2. The Strep B Test
I’m nearing 36 weeks, and my midwife casually reminded me about my upcoming Strep B test. “Do you remember what that means?” Let’s skip the subtlety, shall we? Yes, I remember that you’re going to use a Q-tip in a very personal way. That’s a level of intimacy that deserves a clear explanation.
3. Carrying Super High
Everyone keeps telling me I’m carrying super high. Well, I feel like I’m just one sneeze away from knowing my baby’s hair color. If this is what “high” looks like, I can only imagine what “low” entails—perhaps pants that sag around the knees! Honestly, I can’t fathom how I could carry any lower without giving birth right there.
4. The Overzealous Encouragement
Complete strangers have taken to telling me, “You’re almost there!” with an overzealous fist pump. News flash: I’ve got four weeks left, which is equivalent to 28 days, 672 hours, or 40,320 minutes. If you have any sense, you’ll turn around and run from my not-so-enthusiastic response. And while you’re at it, order me a pizza.
5. Barefoot and Pregnant
The term “barefoot and pregnant” never made much sense to me until now. My feet have swollen up to the point where they could be classified as personal flotation devices. Even flip-flops are a struggle, as my skin swells around the straps. Anyone who can still wear heels at this stage must be a cyborg or someone like Gwyneth Paltrow, and honestly, I have trust issues with both.
6. Wedding Rings on Vacation
Speaking of swelling, my wedding rings are enjoying a vacation on my nightstand. I was nearly forced to cut them off! Just add “liberating your sausage fingers from their white gold prison” to the list of 769 uses for coconut oil.
7. Belly Rubs Gone Wrong
In the earlier stages of my pregnancy, having someone rub my belly wasn’t too bad—it was proof I actually looked pregnant instead of just like a doughy ball. Now, however? My skin feels so stretched, and my belly button has become a highly sensitive area. Every belly rub sends me into a startled jump, making noises that could rival a constipated llama. It’s mostly on purpose because I just want to be left alone.
8. Eating for Two
If I hear one more person say, “You’re eating for two,” I swear I’ll lose it. The next time someone chuckles that phrase while I reach for a cupcake, they’re going to wish they hadn’t. Everything hurts, but that delicious cupcake is the only joy I have left. If you’re going to tell me I’m eating for two, hand over another cupcake and tell me how fabulous I look!
At this point, no horror story about labor could deter me from the finish line. The only thing I can think about is being able to sit on the toilet without a trust fall. Regardless of any forgetfulness my brain might induce, nothing will erase the memory of my nipples reaching a size that’s visible from space.
For more insights related to pregnancy, check out this resource on fertility. And if you’re considering at-home insemination, Cryobaby’s at-home insemination kits are a reputable choice. You can also delve into additional pregnancy topics on this blog post.
Summary
The last month of pregnancy can be a challenging time filled with discomfort and unwelcome advice. From bodily changes to unsolicited comments from strangers, it’s a rollercoaster ride of emotions. It’s essential to support those going through this phase—and maybe bring a donut along for the journey.
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