When my eldest daughter, Mia, was just a toddler, a fellow parent shared a nugget of wisdom: Make your home the destination where your children’s friends prefer to hang out. I took this advice to heart and envisioned my home as the ultimate hangout spot. I imagined purchasing a trampoline and an advanced gaming console. I planned on stocking our pantry with an endless supply of snacks, including the most coveted treats.
As my kids grew up, I wanted to be known as the house with extra dinner seats and the kind of warmth that made their friends feel like part of our family. But now, as I reflect on those aspirations, I realize that my family dynamics look very different from what I once envisioned.
Our backyard remains trampoline-free, and the gaming system is nowhere in sight. I’m not the mom who invites the neighborhood kids to raid our fridge. On the contrary, I often find myself encouraging my children and their friends to play outside during nap times and reminding them to tidy up after their playdates.
Despite my initial intentions, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m not the “fun mom” I once aimed to be, and surprisingly, that’s okay with me.
At first glance, it seems appealing to have the cool house. If my children and their friends choose to congregate at our place, I can keep a watchful eye on them. I’ll know who they’re with and what they’re doing, providing them a secure environment to enjoy themselves. But as I’ve grown as a parent, I’ve realized that my primary responsibility is not about being the “fun mom” but rather about creating a loving environment where my children feel safe and secure.
The challenges of adolescence can be daunting. If my own teenage years taught me anything, it’s that my daughter Mia will face her share of social pressures, conflicts with friends, and moments of self-doubt. When the world feels overwhelming, I want her to return home to a safe space where she can decompress.
Crafting this nurturing atmosphere is no simple task. It requires effort, patience, and a lot of trial and error. I’m still learning, but I believe it’s essential to prioritize quality time with my children over fleeting moments of fun with their friends.
So, sorry, kids, but you probably won’t be bringing friends along on our family vacations. Instead, I’d rather see you all gathered around the dinner table or diving into a board game together. I want you to bond with your siblings, building those lifelong relationships that matter most. I cherish the moments when you feel comfortable being yourselves, without worrying about how you appear to your peers.
While I don’t believe that transforming your home into the “cool house” is bad advice, I’ve adopted a new perspective: Friends are great, but family lasts forever. I once thought my role was to help my teens center their lives around their friends, but now I understand that my real job is to weave a safety net of familial support around them. No one will ever love them as unconditionally as their parents and siblings do, and I want to invest my time in ensuring they feel that love deeply.
I want my children to know that on their toughest days, home is where they can truly be themselves, accepted for who they are. And if they want to invite their friends over occasionally, well, that’s cool too.
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Summary:
In parenting, the aspiration to be the “fun mom” with the “cool house” often shifts as children grow. Prioritizing a loving and safe environment becomes more important than being the go-to spot for friends. The real focus should be on nurturing family bonds, creating a sanctuary for children to return to amid life’s challenges.