I recently attended a gathering at the home of my colleague, Mark, who is a decade older than I am. While my oldest child is just 9, Mark’s eldest is already in his teens. Over the years, our conversations have often revolved around the mischief and laziness of our boys, who seem more interested in video games than anything productive. Mark frequently shares tips on how to guide his son, advice he wishes he had implemented when his boy was my son’s age.
As I mingled with other colleagues in Mark’s backyard, I observed his teenage son, Alex, helping with post-party cleanup. Alex is a skinny 15-year-old, characterized by his dark hair and glasses. He cracked awkward jokes in an attempt to fit in with the adults, often saying phrases like, “When I was a kid…” prompting eye rolls from those around him. Yet, despite these awkward moments, he was polite and respectful, demonstrating kindness, especially towards my three young children. He entertained my son with games on TV, introduced my middle daughter to their friendly dog, and even kept my 2-year-old from wandering into the garden.
After watching him for a while, I leaned over to Mark and said, “Your son isn’t nearly as troublesome as you’ve made him out to be.” Mark beamed with pride, responding, “Yeah, you’re right. He really is a good kid.” It struck me that sometimes it takes an outsider to help us see the positives in our children.
As our conversation shifted from complaints to recognizing the admirable qualities of his son, I couldn’t help but reflect on my own children. While it’s natural to vent about the challenges of parenting—like late nights, early mornings, and the never-ending battle over chores—I’m often guilty of focusing too much on the negatives, especially when it comes to my oldest son, Ethan. I frequently express frustration over getting him out of bed, his monotonous diet of mac and cheese, and the struggle to pry him away from the iPad.
However, when I take a step back, I realize that Ethan is actually a pretty good kid. He doesn’t use foul language, completes his homework (albeit with some resistance), enjoys reading, plays soccer, and generally stays out of trouble at school. He earns good grades and surrounds himself with other respectful kids. The issues I face with him are mostly typical developmental hurdles, not signs of poor behavior.
This highlights a common struggle in parenting: the close proximity we have to our children can sometimes cloud our judgment. We want to mold them into the best versions of themselves, instilling values of respect and responsibility, which can lead us to be overly critical of even the smallest mistakes. As a result, we may overlook the wonderful qualities they possess.
As the evening drew to a close at Mark’s house, I watched Alex clean up after my kids. Meanwhile, Ethan sat slouched on the couch, clearly hoping I wouldn’t ask him to help. I turned to Alex and remarked, “I told Mark you’re not as troublesome as he thinks, and he agreed. Just don’t let it go to your head.” Alex chuckled, a little embarrassed, and when I turned to Ethan, I prompted, “Are you going to help?” His eye roll was dramatic, but he eventually got up to assist.
As we cleaned up together, I told Ethan, “You know, you’re a pretty good kid too. I really should acknowledge that more.” His face lit up with a smile, and I realized how important it is to express praise, even for the small things. It’s a simple yet powerful reminder that we often need to focus on the positives rather than the negatives in our children’s behavior.
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In summary, recognizing the good behaviors in our children is essential, and taking a moment to appreciate their positive traits can strengthen our relationships. We may find that our children are far better than we often realize.