You’ve likely seen her. Maybe it was at the grocery store, the playground, or even during a family meal at your favorite kid-friendly restaurant. She’s the mom with several little ones in tow, often sporting a messy bun, a lack of makeup, and clothing that appears to have encountered a few mystery stains. If her outfit happens to match, consider it a win for the day. While this might sound like a description of many mothers navigating parenthood, what truly sets her apart is the shrill, screaming child (or children) accompanying her.
She notices you watching. She feels the judgmental glares directed her way and is acutely aware of the whispers surrounding her as she attempts to calm her distraught child. You might think her struggles are drowned out by the chaos, but she hears every word you say to your companion. Her face flushes with embarrassment and frustration, and those teary eyes? Yes, they’re real.
She does her best to maintain composure. When a well-meaning elderly couple approaches, offering unsolicited advice that often exacerbates the situation, she puts on a brave smile. Deep down, she appreciates their concern, but the chaos is overwhelming. Phrases like “it will get better” or “I’ve been there” echo in her mind, met with a rehearsed response because that’s all she can manage. Inside, she’s battling the urge to lash out at the onlookers critiquing her parenting skills, unaware of the complexities she faces. All she can think about is escaping the situation, whether it means abandoning a cart full of groceries or leaving a meal untouched.
When she sees you with your calm, well-behaved children, a twinge of envy hits her. Your kids, quiet and angelic, watch her family, and she silently resents you, imagining you’re one of those perfect PTA mothers—baking treats for school events and effortlessly juggling work, home, and motherhood. She wishes her life could be that seamless.
Years ago, I witnessed a similar scene at the mall. A little girl was crying uncontrollably while her mother attempted to soothe her. Nearby, a trio of teenagers began to loudly complain about the situation. The mother, flustered and red-faced, confronted them, causing the teens to retreat in embarrassment. My husband and I chuckled at the encounter, but we also reflected on how we had previously vowed to be better parents and avoid such scenarios.
Now, I find myself in her shoes. I’m the mother you observe while my child has a meltdown. I dread outings, knowing how likely it is for chaos to erupt. After a challenging trip to the store, I often find myself in my car, head buried in my hands, fighting tears and trying to regain my composure. I’ve come to understand the harsh reality I once judged so quickly.
So here’s my request: Before you label her a bad parent or assume her children are merely misbehaving due to lack of discipline, take a moment to consider other factors. Perhaps the child is tired, hungry, or struggling with an issue you can’t see. Maybe the mother is doing her utmost to manage a situation far more complex than it appears.
I can’t speak for every mother, but I know I’m not alone. One of my three children has autism spectrum disorder and sensory processing challenges. When you see a child screaming in the checkout line, it might be triggered by something as simple as the cart stopping. While you might think I’m poorly handling the situation, I’m actually using techniques to help my child regroup and cope. Even children without special needs can have meltdowns. It’s not just about parenting style; sometimes, it’s about managing circumstances beyond anyone’s control.
Next time you see that mom, give her a break. Don’t jump to conclusions about her parenting skills. Remember, we all have tough days—even children. When you observe her struggling, know that she is doing her absolute best. And if you think you could do better, perhaps you should consider walking a mile in her shoes before casting judgment.
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In summary, the next time you encounter a mom in distress, remember that behind her struggles lies a story of resilience, love, and the challenges of parenting. Let’s offer understanding instead of judgment.